i have decided that today is a good day for a haircut.

that means that i will be happy today and tomorrow and probably angry with my hair for the next two months. i am fully prepared for this to happen.

john left for tour on monday. i've phoned him only twice, but i miss him. i sat in the driveway under the stars last night and wanted to cry, but he didn't want me to. then i was distracted by creatures watching me from underneath the car in the neighbors driveway. CREEPY!!!

mike cleaned the house last night for his date tonight. how cute.

but that means that i either have to be appropriate tonight, or not present.

my parents mailed me a birthday check of $1000 because i called my mom crying saying that i needed money because i suck at life. i cried when i saw the amount of the check because i was so happy. however, the money is already spent. damn bills and responsibilities.

this post makes it sound like i cry a lot.

in actuality, i drink a lot.

my family comes on saturday. not sunday. wow. i have to work saturday and sunday. fuck.

i have to read about alcohol so i can pass my alcohol and beverage test tomorrow for the olive garden. yay!

note to self: be less lame. take more pictures.

cx said:

HEY LITTLE GIRL!!!

mx said:

hey punkin head!!!

cx said:

how's my lady?

mx said:

your lady is experiencing massive degrees of awkwardness.

::director's cut::

mx said:

so how have you been darlin? i can say "darlin" all country-style because i'm in the south now. haha

cx said:

lol good good.

mx said:

any intimacy issues or new pets you feel you should tell me about? haha

cx said:

lol umm... no, I saw my lil kitty over the weekend. ACTUALLY!! Yes. This weekend was FUCKED up.

mx said:

haha yay!

cx said:

So Saturday there was this female that invited me to the sox game. right. so I go. we get wasted. and she's all on my shit, right. Cool. I've no problems with this.

mx said:

no, no problems... except it was a sox game... boo.

cx said:

But then after like, an hour of her dry humping me, right, which I've been bored with for about 3 years now, yea I hate baseball, so no worries. She's all like, blah blah blah blah, will you go down on me? And i'm like, sure, I love doing said action. Right. You know what she says to me??!?! Guess.

mx said:

and pee in my butt?

cx said:

nope.

mx said:

close?

cx said:

even that would have been cool. Nope. She was definitely having her period.

mx said:

ohhh......

cx said:

............................?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??!?!?!?!

mx said:

whoa.....

cx said:

What. The. FUCK. Like I said, I'm all about it.

mx said:

wow...

cx said:

but... uh... as a general rule.

mx said:

yeah.... wow....

cx said:

not really around that mike jones.

mx said:

haha.... uh... wow...

cx said:

and that was the night after these two girls from high school who I hadn't seen in six years assaulted me in the bathroom. That was drunken, sloppy, and awful.

mx said:

haha

cx said:

I ran.

mx said:

oh... that bad?? is it because you didn't like them, or because they were just bad at doing what they do?

cx said:

they were bad. VERY. And all talking to each other gossipy and whatever.

mx said:

what???

cx said:

right. exactly. not interested.

mx said:

what kind of weirdos are you doing up there, honey?!?!?!?

cx said:

Hey, ya know, the Friday was not planned, and I was hoping for the Saturday to go a lot better.

mx said:

yeah, obviously.... that's still tripping me out dude...

cx said:

No shit, right.

mx said:

like.. i've been getting periods for like 8 years now, and i'm still 100% disgusted by it.

cx said:

And then it's like, I'm not selfish or anything, but if you're gonna ask something like that you better offer up first. Cause that is weird.

mx said:

yeah

cx said:

at least, I mean, I'll still say no. ;-) hehe.

mx said:

haha

cx said:

but i'd go to down after that's all done and such.

mx said:

well, i mean, i ask guys to go down on me... but not selfishly... knowing for sure that i would return it.

cx said:

right, exactly, exactly. That's all I'm saying. I'm all about it.

mx said:

but man... that's worth like 5000 dicksucks... at least. because... ew.

cx said:

I just burst out into laughter at work. thanks. :D

mx said:

hahaha awesome!

cx said:

my boss is like, what?! and I'm all like...... NOTHING.

mx said:

so what happened after that... i mean, yeah you were all freaking out on the inside... but what did you actually say to her? "sorry weirdo, i'm not into bloody vag?"

cx said:

ummm, well, I didn't look her in the eye and say "I don't even eat bloody cow meat". which I wanted to.

mx said:

hahahahahaa!!!!

cx said:

I just politely declined and passed out.

mx said:

that would have been awesome!!!!i would have driven to illinois just to high five you, man!!!

cx said:

lol :D I shoulda. shoulda.

mx said:

next time the opportunity arises... you should say that and then yell "ZING!!!"

cx said:

lol will do!!!!

mx said:

and then call me and we will giggle like children.

cx said:

lol

mx said:

like, right in front of her.

cx said:

awesome. I will do.

mx said:

haha, now i'm all giddy. like it's actually going to happen in like 2 days or something. haha

cx said:

lolololol

mx said:

okay, i have to gather some roommates so we can go get some food.

cx said:

ok lovely. be easy.

mx said:

be easy... would i have it any other way?? ;-) peace.

i started my new job at the olive garden today. it was less than fun. i hate starting new jobs. i constantly feel judged and insecure. although, in past jobs, whenever new people came, i would judge them too... whatever. i mean, i don't want to be myself right away because sometimes i have a bit of an overbearing personality... so i just kind of stick to myself... whatever. people there are alright, i guess. once i'm done training, i'm sure everything will be fine.

john left for tour today. it was very sad. i'm glad we're on good terms despite our countless issues. i love him.

a month ago, i hated it that i still loved him. now i'm okay with it.

i've been working on my tan. i think i'm doing pretty well. i have a late-june tour tan. that'll do.

how do you learn to trust again?

it's a sad day in baseball land, kiddies.

the chisox are ahead of the twinkies.

come on, now.

black people don't cry.

i know white people have stolen a lot from us, but we still have f.u.b.u., so let those devils keep jazz, rock and swing dancing as well as their contemptible white jesus. you know the real dilly, and that dilly is: one day jay-z will buy you a house because you bought all of his records and then he'll buy you a pony because you had his back when he was beefing with nas, and then he'll give you a recording contract because your voice is so very unique and then he'll ask you to marry him. he ain't on some gay shit though, he just thinks youz a real nigga and he wouldn't mind that real nigga quality in a life partner. jay-z lightly mumbles to you, "maybe we'll kiss a little, nah mean? but that it dog, i ain't gay." you know jigga isn't tell the whole truth... it's obvious that he wants more than a kiss. but secretly, so do you...

courtesy of plastic little.





basically awesome.

it is decided that tomorrow i will both go to the doctor AND ask my parents for money. which means that tonight i will get super drunk. hopefully with patrick and brent. also hopefully it won't be a hit-on-mengtar night... whatever.

fun tonight.

not fun tomorrow.

i'm over it.

also, my phone won't send text messages anymore. i can receive. but for some reason, it won't send. i'm not over it. i'll probably ask my dad about it right after i ask my mom for money.

i woke up in the middle of the night to thunder storms and i was excited for a day of rain and such. no such luck. however, i keep hearing loud noises. i get excited that it's either another storm, or i'm delusional.

i saw kayla at racetrac today when i bought my beer and smokes. it reminded me that abby doesn't call me. i hope she isn't mad that i quit. i would text her, but, well, whatever.

mengtar got a shoutout on besty's facebook. holla! check out her baller blog on my links ---> she is the one with a snake.

my flickr badge is finally working. only took them two weeks to fix it. i'm over it.

boredom is sooo depressing. i wish i could have started my job this week instead of next week...

i wish john was here.

the return of.... ONE YEAR AGO TODAY!!!!!!


blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl. oh, the sweetest thing.


I think my Grandma bought a box of 800 "yay granddaughter" cards when we were 6 and is still using them now that we're like 20+...

Or maybe she thinks I like glittery kitties wearing purple dresses.

I don't know.

I will see her tonight.

Perhaps I shall ask.

I got a birthday card from crazy-Jan from work. ((great))

Megan,

I want to say I hope had a wonderful birthday. A day to celebrate you and all your created to be. ((even typing the wrong form of "you're" pains me.))

I want to share a scripture with you on how God sees you. I hope you read it. ((as if I was planning on skipping over that part, but since she hopes I read it, I guess I will for her sake.))

"For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother's womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!" Psalms 139; 13 & 14 ((I guess all capitol "You"s mean god... yes? okay... Fearfully?? is that right?? I should be afraid of life? I'm confused.))

"My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret. And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. ((I think it's funny that wrought sounds the same as rot.... so it sounds like I'm rotting in hell. hahaha)) Your eyes saw my substance being formed yet unformed.

"And in your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me. When as yet there were none of them. ((I am older than time.))

"How precious also are your thoughts to me, O God! ((I didn't know he was Irish... I wonder if he was at the game last night... O'God. Next to Peter O'Malley)) How Great is the sum of them!" ((which is also funny because "sum" is like "some". so it's like only some of them are great. I'm cool. Name your kids Megan.)) Psalms 139: 15-17 ((make up your mind, dude, colon or semi-colon.))

Megan God loves you and celebrates every day you are granted. May they be joyous and slendid days. As you go forth- may you truly be blessed Megan, on your birthdays and always for you truelly are wonderfully made by God.

Jan

Maybe she should pray for grammar.

Birdwatchers love baseball.



an angry raccoon lives inside the coils of my brain. he sleeps so peacefully as i go through life with a smile, but awakens at the most inconvenient times and tears at my soul. he can take over, but i wish i didn't have to wake up.

the good, the bad, and the ugly...



i bought bananas and strawberries and they taste amazing together.

snowflake is pretty much beautiful.

it should rain tomorrow, and i think it is pretty.

mike is letting me tag along while he runs errands tomorrow. it keeps me busy so i don't think of sad things.

my crotch stopped bleeding.

my throat hurts.

i gained back half of the weight i lost.

my farts sound like snowflake.

i need a haircut.

my allergies are back and i keep itching out my contacts.

my roommates minus mike are being immature about a situation that really doesn't concern them. he cheated on me, guys, not you.

john and i saw spiderman 3, which was basically horrible. but we met chris, mario, and michael ann there. mario was the only one that would talk to me.

i'm sleeping alone again tonight.

i'm too scared to ask my parents for more money, but i know that i will need it.

i want to quit smoking, but i don't know if i can.

UGH!! white people dreadlocks...

dear loser,

allow me to take my frustration of the past few weeks out on your fucking hair and the bullshit ideals you think you subscribe to and the message you are sending out to the world by the atrocity that is the garbage on your head.

this is the message that i get from you:

"i am a useless lazy weasel with no independent thought whatsoever. i smoke weed and spend hours in my wayne's world type basement twisting and tugging on my puke'locks for hours on end listening to UB40 and reggae two-step ranting to my friend who is even a bigger loser than i am." ((i know, i too thought it was not possible for there to be someone even equal to myself in loseritude, but yes, my mind is also blown, as it is blown very easily like, whoa, pop-tarts in a blender with milk, that just came to me like NOW!))

you know, it's pretty unmagnificent that your idle hours are devoted to maintaining a bird's nest. you took perfectly nice hair and ruined it. oprah would fucking kill you! i am going to write her a letter. oh man. you are entering a world of pain now, boy. she said once that she always wished she had white girl hair.



dear oprah,

there is a problem i feel you need to address once you are finished with those school daughters you kidnapped. anyway, the problem is white people and dreadlocks. when i see them out on the town with their fruitful arrogance like they are better than me because they have chunks of crap hanging off their heads, what do i do? rock? or fist? i can't decide.

these twats are spoiled in the worst way like their parents just fucking gave up on them. fine, spend all my money and turn yourself in a troll. what can i do about it?

ps. this is very important to me. it's okay when other people are wrong when they think that they are cool. i can deal. but when someone's personality is defined by their nasty hair, it makes me sad. they may as well have a snake that they carry around on their shoulders and wear a shirt that says, "i bought my personality at the pet store."

pps. i have mentioned the term "white guilt" before. dreadlocks will not erase your pampered and privileged white devil past, they only make it that much more glaringly obvious you stupid dick. you are not a rasta prophet. you will never be. so hand in that starbuck's application.

please advise,
xoxo mengtar



fuck, i wouldn't even let you go down on me lest you give my inner thighs grease rash and zits. ew!!

yes i am better than you.

with my free time i blog. i entertain people with stories and pictures of my adventures. i do not entertain them with dreadlocks.

mengtar: 1, dreadlocks: 0.

one more thing. you are trying to portray yourself as this type of person who does not care. who is laidback and breezy. but i would have to call bullshit on that because the hours you spend on your hair = caring.

px said:
hey
mx said:
hey. what's goin on?
px said:
What's up
mx said:
not much. chillin. doing laundry. being lame. and single. and angry. how've you been, baller?
px said:
Haha baller? Where do u get that from
mx said:
uhh.. well i kind of am one. so i'm licensed to use it in conversation now.
px said:
Haha. Nice. I think this is the first convo I've had with u on here since like 01
mx said:
01?? whatever.
px said:
that's why its funny
mx said:
and i know i talked to you after i moved to texas.
px said:
Yes
mx said:
okay
px said:
U have. R u still there?
mx said:
don't make me feel like a bad friend.
px said:
Well I've prolly im you like 1500 times, but u never respond
mx said:
yeah, i know. that's because i leave my computer thinking i'll come back, but then i remember that i'm supposed to do things. and then i don't come home for 3 days
px said:
So then wouldn't that kinda make u a bad friend if u know? Lol
mx said:
and then i'm like "shit, i missed px again!"
px said:
Riiiight... Ok so give me the run down, what happend
mx said:
uhh, with john?
px said:
Yes
mx said:
do you remember laura derousselle? she played baritone? apparently he had been messing around with her since December...
px said:
Yes!!!! Huuuuge booty, how could I forget
mx said:
you're not helping.
px said:
Oh, sorry... Oops. Waut, like boning?
mx said:
yep
px said:
Wow, she doesn't look like the type, but anyway... So how'd u find out
mx said:
i was on his facebook, actually.
px said:
And.....
mx said:
and i read some of his old messages. well, the reason i did that is because i saw a text msesage from her on his phone. and there was a bunch of stuff. i don't really want to talk about it
px said:
Oh. Ok
mx said:
sorry, this whole thing has been really hard.
px said:
I bet!!!! I'm sorry. That's bogus. So what r u gona do?
mx said:
nothing. what am i supposed to do?
px said:
Move back? Move on? Idk
mx said:
i'm staying
px said:
Oh
mx said:
i like it here
px said:
So what did you do when u found out, what did u say to him?
mx said:
well, i found out like 5 minutes before i was supposed to leave for work so i got to work, and i kept crying and shit, because i'm a girl and that's what we do, and then i went home and got drunk at like 11am and he was out of town for a wgi show and wasn't going to be home until that evening. so i called his dad because i was WASTED. not to rub it in his face that he cheated on me, but just to tell him that he wasn't going to be sleeping at the house that night and that he would probably end up there. in my drunkenness i looked at it as like a courtesy call hold on, i have to pee and check laundry. go ahead and talk
px said:
Umm, I really dnt have anything to say, I'm more or less still listening. I am curious as to what his reaction was
mx said:
he was really angry that everyone found out. not angry at me, just angry.
px said:
Yeah. Wow. Have u talked to him since?
mx said:
yeah. we talk all the time. i still love him.
px said:
Wtf! That's crazy!
mx said:
i mean, it's impossible to go from wanting to marry someone to absolutely hating them. we're not together. and i'm angry about what he did. and i'm angry at him. but i still love him.
px said:
Yeah. Nice facebook pic btw
mx said:
ha, yours too. so profesional. ha
px said:
No, really.... I'm not bn funny
mx said:
i know, but i am
px said:
Ugh! Booo I like that pic!
mx said:
what?!? well thank you. i appreciate the complement.
px said:
I think I look handsome. And my eyes look dreamy
mx said:
yeah, i'm pretty sure i was drunk in that picture. because i think it's my cousin's wedding.
px said:
But whatever, u can hate on my pic if u want too... I like it
mx said:
i said i liked it!
px said:
U said u were bn sarcastic
mx said:
no. i meant that i liked your picture. i was just laughing at the idea of you being professional
px said:
Have oh. Have you had sex with anyone else since? Oh, whatever, I am professional!
mx said:
no. no one else. i wanted to. came close.
px said:
Why
mx said:
because i want to be a bitch. but... i can't
px said:
Y can't u
mx said:
because i love him! i would probably start crying or have an anxiety attack or something
px said:
Wow. That's heavy. You're such a girl
mx said:
i know... and i wasn't until i met him
px said:
Haha
mx said:
seriously, i was a crazy bitch who just like suckin dick and hated emotional attachments to anything
px said:
I can't imagine going from engaged to single
mx said:
yeah, it's a mind-fuck. and i've never had anxiety problems before this... but i had to go to the doctor and get put on meds because i kept having anxiety attacks and throwing up and shit. i passed out at petco like a week and a half ago so now i have to buy the crickets that my frog eats at petsmart. even though it's on the opposite side of town
px said:
Wow!
mx said:
yeah. this shit fucked me up
px said:
I'm sure. And that's a crazy thing to say, (u just liked to suck dick) Who says that!!?? Lol
mx said:
i did!!! haha i mean, i still do... but just his. i mean, i don't
px said:
Ha
mx said:
but i still like to
px said:
Ha!!!!
mx said:
well... shutup
px said:
I got ya
mx said:
okay, good
px said:
What's the joy in sucking dick for a girl anyway
mx said:
the same it is for a guy eating out some pussy. being able to give the other person so much pleasure is a major turn on
px said:
Ahh ok. Ic. That's true. It is a turn on..... Especially when they get off
mx said:
exactly
px said:
I don't know if I've met a wilder person
mx said:
i'm not wild. i'm just open. and i like what feels good
px said:
Well, I mean with a wilder life story
mx said:
haha
px said:
And that is as open. ...and what feels good?
mx said:
drugs. drinking. sex. love... but i kind of got fucked over in that department.
px said:
What feels good isn't what always is good for u
mx said:
i know. and that's why i don't do drugs anymore. except pot. but one step at a time
px said:
Good. Hable me.
mx said:
hable?
px said:
It means blow
mx said:
ha! that's how they say it in the hood?
px said:
Jk, it means talk to me in spanish. Lol! No!
mx said:
but in spanish isn't it one word because it's a command? hableme?
px said:
Maybe
mx said:
i don't know
px said:
Sure
mx said:
haha that's how the ballers ball

i know they're friends. i know they talk. but i can't help but get insanely angry every time he's on aim, because i know that he's talking to her.

we went out to a movie tonight. saw the invisible. it was pretty good. however, there were about a dozen dumb bitches two rows ahead of us that got stupid girly giggly in the dumb parts. it made me angry.

before the movie i stopped by the apartment to get my home-made purse because it is larger than my regular purse and easier to sneak popcorn into theaters because i'm poor. and michael ann was at the apartment. it was... well... awkward... i don't know if she thought i was there to like steal shit or something? i don't know. but she felt the need to call john and tell him that i'm mischievous or something. i don't know.

i love him. i want to trust him. i don't. at all. and that's the hardest part. for both of us. and because i don't trust him, i find myself checking his phone and playing all of those stupid immature mind games that do nothing but make him lose trust in me.

this is hard.

an uneventful night with no plans turned into a fun crazy night leading into an awesome day... so far...

brent sent me a text message aroudn 11 asking me to come over. i tell him that my pussy is still closed ((brent is a slut)) but i'll pick up some smokes and come hang out. fifteen minutes later i arrive at the racetrac station. i walk in, buy my smokes from some dude that marched euhponium for phantom in 2002. so of course we knew some of the same people. very cool.

i walk back to my car and notice that i left the headlights on... and the car running... with the doors locked... FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah. i did that. so i called mike hoping that since he can fix a toilet and do whatever that other thing that he did that i don't remember that he could get my keys out. NOPE!


i called AAA. they put me on the priority list because my car was running, but the priority list would still take 2 hours. FUCK!!!!

i called brent to tell him that i wouldn't be over for a looong time, so i probably wouldn't be over at all. but all he says is that he's going to grab some tools and be over in a minute. he shows up 20 minutes later. apparently he used to be a locksmith. fucking right!!!

went to brent's. smoked out. smoked smokes. chilled. then he started being dumb and wanting to fuck and such so i had to leave. damn horny boys.

woke up with some killer girl-cramps. mother fuck.

had my second interview at the olive garden. got the job!!! i start orientation on saturday and training on monday. fucking right.

now i'm celebrating by myself until later when i maybe go to a movie or just chill or something. i'm happy.

haha. also the other day mike used my bathroom because he is out of toilet paper. he was angry that i left my vibrator on the bathroom floor. it's my mother fucking bathroom, and i will leave whatever awkward things on the floor that i want. i have to protect my toilet paper stash. also, i can't even get myself off anymore. that makes me unhappy. i miss john.

i can't find the other video that i just mentioned... but here's a different one and i am also in it. eat it up, kids.

past few days... best days i've had in a looong time.

details will come eventually, i guess. i'm not really feeling too gossip-y... yet.

turned in more job applications today. interviewed at the olive garden. I have a second interview there tomorrow afternoon. joy!

things to remember: i interviewed with stacy already. tomorrow's interview is with claudia at 3.45. that's for me. not for you. you don't care.

girls night tonight with brandi. will there be other girls? i actually have no idea. maybe i should rent a chic-flic, bring my sleeping bag and stuffed animals and popcorn and fruity frozen girly drinks and a cosmo. who knows.

i got an awesome present in the mail yesterday from one of my favorite people ever! nicole sent me a card ((sent with love and porn)) with stickers a years subscription to cosmo magazine and a dollar! ((which i believe was from severance, but he's one of my second favorite people ever.)) oh yeah, i think he's also giving me his throbbing member, but i'm pretty sure that was mine all along. whatever.

patrick called and apparently timmy got me a birthday present and i have to pick it up at the restaurant tonight. i think that will happen before girls night and hopefully i will also get free food.

jay had a baby girl on 4-26!! i think his wife should have made it another day so she could have had the same birthday as me... but... i understand. i mean, his wife didn't think his daughter had the potential to be quite as cool as me and that is perfectly understandable. anika, you have hope. you will one day be almost as cool as i am.

mike is busy now but says that we have to talk later... he makes me nervous when he talks to me in that father- like lecture-tone. he makes me feel guilty. but then we drink and smoke and it's all okay.

checked out the new blue stars recruitment video and i make an appearance 4 or so times. very cool. i like it when doug makes the videos because he always gets some sweet shots of the pit. go doug!

i pantsed him in target in indiana once because his friend bobby told me to and i accidently pulled down his boxers too. bobby and i thought it was funny. doug did not. well, afterwards he giggled a bit...

let's see... john and i hung out last week and things were pretty cool. smoked a bowl or two.



saw the aqua teen hunger force colon movie for the theaters. it was alright. but athf is best done in small, half hour doses. but i still enjoyed it.



the next day i had an anxiety attack at petco and passed out. i'm thinking about buying my crickets somewhere else from now on. or maybe i'll make mike buy them for me. who knows. i just don't want to be "that girl fucked up girl that passed out that one time." but i went to john's to calm myself down a bit, but he was being ridiculously shady and unsupportive even though we had just talked about how we should be there for eachother and support eachother. what the fuck.



so that put me in a horribly upset funk for the rest of the week.



however,

thursday i woke up horrible. was horrible all morning. horrible all afternoon. horrible while i was in the shower. stepped out of the shower ridiculously manic-like, singing and dancing, laughing and smiling. whatever. don't know where that came from, but it was great. so i was in a great mood for the first time since all of this bullshit started.

friday was my birthday. it was alright. the party was big, even though only like half of the people that were supposed to be there actually showed up. oh well, it was still a blast and there were still 20ish people in attendance. peter showed up with the fucking cast of metalocalypse. they were cool.

i also made it a requirement for everyone to be photographed kissing the birthday girl. that only lasted until i got drunklor, then i forgot.

also, i was drunk before anyone really showed up. that is the true megan-party fashion.

post-party was rough. i had maybe 5-7 strong anxiety attacks back-to-back. i was really scared and i think mike was close to bringing me to the hospital or something. it was nice to have someone helping me through it though. he will make a fine medic one day.

quit my job because the new manager is crazy.

applied a few places yesterday and had an interview. supposed to hear back this afternoon. dropping off more applications later.

also, kyle is a rabbit.

there.

you've been fed.

things i want for my birthday:

i want the twins to beat the tigers.
i want a mac laptop.
i want lots of whiskey or wine.
i want my prescription of celexa to be boosted to 50mg from 20mg.
i want to feeled loved.
i want a mattress.
i want to wake up after the sun comes up.
i want windshield wiper blades.
i want that first pair of boots that the red-headed girl is seen wearing in the devil wears prada.
i want a renewed subscription to rolling stone magazine. and maybe cosmo too.
i want a killer tan.
i want sarah and lance to decide to start their own med school in denton, texas.
i want to be magically 20 lbs. lighter and 10 thousand dollars richer.
i want some more antivirus software for my computer so i can illegally download some depressing music because that is what i want to hear right now.
i want to be on the show project runway except for the fact that i know how to operate a sewing machine and make quilts and purses and that is about all.







ps. i was just catching up on this season's project runway, and what the fuck?!?!?! wendy made it into the top three and is going to olympus fashion week?!?!? how the hell did that happen?!?

anxiety and depression only allow me to get four hours of sleep at a time. it's 6am. all there is to do now is sit around thinking about how much i hate myself.

i went outside to tan at 10.45 this morning. it was sunny, warm and beautiful.

i felt relaxed and happy.

i fell asleep.

i woke up at 11.30 and it was cloudy, cold and i was freezing my ass off.

double depressing.

well, most of my anger has subsided, at least temporarily, and i have become completely overwhelmed with rock-bottom depression. i hope their pleasure was worth all this pain. and i hope she enjoys everything that i love about him, but something tells me that it just wasn't worth it.

the doctor put me on some anti-anxiety/depressants. so far, nothing. i'm doing worse than before and am downright miserable. i can only keep food down half of the time. i can't sleep more than two hours. i have anxiety attacks. i pretty much hate myself right now.

i had an anxiety attack at petco. great. now i'm no longer the cool one that buys crickets, but now i'm the cause-a-scene anxiety-attack-girl. fucking great.