i started my new job at the olive garden today. it was less than fun. i hate starting new jobs. i constantly feel judged and insecure. although, in past jobs, whenever new people came, i would judge them too... whatever. i mean, i don't want to be myself right away because sometimes i have a bit of an overbearing personality... so i just kind of stick to myself... whatever. people there are alright, i guess. once i'm done training, i'm sure everything will be fine.

john left for tour today. it was very sad. i'm glad we're on good terms despite our countless issues. i love him.

a month ago, i hated it that i still loved him. now i'm okay with it.

i've been working on my tan. i think i'm doing pretty well. i have a late-june tour tan. that'll do.

how do you learn to trust again?

well, most of my anger has subsided, at least temporarily, and i have become completely overwhelmed with rock-bottom depression. i hope their pleasure was worth all this pain. and i hope she enjoys everything that i love about him, but something tells me that it just wasn't worth it.

the doctor put me on some anti-anxiety/depressants. so far, nothing. i'm doing worse than before and am downright miserable. i can only keep food down half of the time. i can't sleep more than two hours. i have anxiety attacks. i pretty much hate myself right now.

i had an anxiety attack at petco. great. now i'm no longer the cool one that buys crickets, but now i'm the cause-a-scene anxiety-attack-girl. fucking great.

but i guess on the less than positive side, he's out of town until mondayish. i don't know how that makes it better that he cheated on me.... but... at least i don't have to see him. although he visited me at work today, and as much as i hated it, i actually kind of liked it.

sometimes i hate it that i love him this much.

quote of the year: seriously, what the fuck...

back to being drunkity drunk drunk because... i was cheated on and i am now absolutely miserable.

so, uhh... john cheated on me with laura derousselle. what the fuck, right? yeah. no more hiding peoples' names on this one. guilty guilty. and the fucked up part, it wasn't just a one time drunken whatthefuckever. oh no ma'am. he felt a hint of doubt and instead of fixing shit, went running to the hills, or the next closest set of pants... in december!

wow. i still get nauseaus thinking of this and i found this out almost five days ago.

so all this happened and now i have anxiety attacks like 2-3 times a day. ends in crying and puking. super great.

and i don't want to hear any of this, "i guess you two just weren't meant to be," or, "at least you found out now rather than once you got married." nope. don't want to hear it.

why?

because i'm in crazy psycho denial apparently and i still love him. maybe something catastrophic has to happen before i'll finally get the hint that "hey, he fucked someone else.... TWICE, obviously being engaged to this guy isn't the best investment of your time"

i don't know. right now i just feel really lost and constantly alone. and in fucking texas. what the fuck. i moved to fucking texas. and for what? to get cheated on. and it's not like it's all his fault. of course not. it couldn't be. she knows me. she knows that i'm engaged to him. yet... she... fucks him. yep. fucks him... TWICE.

what the fuck. and i went to the doctor to get some pills to deal with this anxiety bullshit. and i can't even get them for another 72 hours. some bullshit where my insurance company needs confirmation from the doctor that it is for medical purposes. come on now. seriously. it's two mother fucking phone calls. i know calls to insurance companies are long and painful... but seriously... so is getting cheated on.

in other news, i hate everything.

i don't even fucking get it anymore.
two weeks ago, john didn't want to be with me. a week ago he said that he wanted to work it all out and that i should go away to school with him. now we are apparently back where we fucking started from???
i'm a strong person.
i'm not strong enough for this.
i love being with him. and i want more than anything for all of this to work. and honestly, the good times we have together and the love i feel when he holds me is worth all of the crying when he tells me these things.
i don't know what i'm doing.

so jx wants to work on shit now, and that's great. i mean, that's exactly what i've wanted this whole time and i feel incredible about it. however, as of recently, he has also taken all photos of me off his myspace and updated his relationship status from in a relationship to swinger. now, i know that he talks to random girls online. and i know that it's probably quite inappropriate. however, this just hurts too much and is all too real. if we're going back to being boyfriend/girlfriend then this shit is seriously going to have to stop.

i had the guts to call him last night long after he had gone to bed. now i'm afraid that if i called him that i would chicken out. i would say it to his face. maybe it's best if i just wait until i get back to texas. it just worries me what he's going to do in the meantime.

in other news, minnesota is as minnesota as ever. 80 when i got here. 50 the next day. fucking minnesota.

tomorrow i will make it out to the bob dylan exhibit at the weisman art museum. fucking right. pictures aplenty. also, if anyone would like to join me, leave me a message or call the cell.

also drinking tonight in celebration of the birthday of the guy that points at things that my sister fucks in the mornings. go lx. hit that shit.

jx, don't hit that shit.

wow, this wasn't supposed to be an emo blog, and it definitely wasn't meant to be my crysite for everything wrong with jx and i, although it does help that he doesn't know it's here and can't read it.... so onto other things...

actually not.

one of his longtime friends is having her 21st bday party down in dallas tonight. and even though she claims that we're going to be friends no matter what, i was uninvited. i didn't receive an unvitation. but its pretty obvious when she discusses it with jx in front of me in whisper tones. not cool. just say we're not friends. there's too much shit going on for you to be like this. it's expected, but that's exactly why she be faking around me. i haven't decided if i will fake back or give her stink-eye next time i see her.

NOW onto other things.

i have to find car insurance this week. i hate not having money. i also don't have a mattress. well.. other shit that i just said im not talking about has to be dealt with before i decide what the deal is with a mattress... but whatever.

in other news, sx was here and it was great. nothing like sisters in towns. lot of fun. lot of drinking. lot of partying.

i saw 300. wasn't that impressed, actually. i mean, it takes a lot for me to enjoy a battle/war movie, and i did enjoy it. but i guess there was too much hype.

hype the dick suck.

((every time jx says that, i hate it and love it at the same time.))

i'm glad that my friends are here for me and all, but seriously, i don't want to hear about how i should just forget about this shit and start looking at my other options. when this is over, it will be over. if it even ever will be over. but until then, i'm not giving up.

fully appreciate... but seriously.

never have i felt life to be so hopeless. jx still feels that extended time apart is the only solution. each time we discuss it, his solutions seem more harsh. last night was the first time he admitted that he would probably want to see other people. funny, because the only reason he's claiming to be leaving me is so he can find himself, by himself. that's why i can't be there. wouldn't seeing other people kind of defeat the purpose? he may be going to school out-of-state for fall semester, which will turn into the whole year, and probably the next four. he wants me to go back home.

this would be much easier if he was an asshole.

i had to pick up a shift at work tonight, sacrificing our one chance at having dinner together this week because i can no longer be trapped in my own head by myself today. it's driving me crazy and i feel extremely irrational.

i have been getting closer to the people i work with and we hung out and partied a lot every night from thursday- monday last weekend. another tonight. it helps get my mind off everything, and could make it easier once jx leaves to figure out his shit wherever he decides to go. i would be here for him whenever he comes back. their good to me...