while catching jiminees i had a scary realization.

crickets have spiderlegs!

not their back jumping legs, but they're other regular walking legs. just like spiders.

once i noticed, a cricket jumped up and touched my face. i wasn't planning on showering, but i had to shower off the spiderlegs.

i showered and put on my new underwear and it looked like this.



i don't think my camera is capable of focusing anymore... so it's an almost positive that i will be getting a new camera. or maybe i will wait it out til post-birthday and remain hopeful? we'll see how patient i can be with this tax return in my pocket.

a HUGE fly just flew out of my blinds and is now buzzing around my room. i hope flies don't have spiderlegs or we might have a surprise with the next utility bill.

i think i may as well have just live-blogged everything the past two days.

also, homeboy, if you come over before i get off work, there is a cup on the bathroom floor with a cricket underneath. he is not to be released under any circumstances. he has the worst spiderlegs of them all!

also, i have remisplaced my camera cord. help a baller out.

update: i found my camera cord and four more crickets.

when i went to pour myself my regular shot of whiskey i take just before leaving the house, there was what appeared to be a goose down feather resting just above the lid of the windsor. as i went to brush it aside it's little transparent feather tentacles moved. it wasn't a feather, it was a very very fragile white spider, a baby perhaps, maybe even a spider ghost. didn't matter, it had no business blocking my booze so i dealt with it by snapping it between my thumb and middle finger instantly vaporizing it's transparent little spider existence.

you could only be so lucky to die in such a manner.

with a snap of the fingers.

so awesome, so humane.

i rubbed the morning nap out of my eyes, picked out some sunglasses, and was on my way to work. in the car my eye began to itch, like maybe when i rubbed my eyes, i had rubbed a little too hard, or maybe got a speck of dust in it. i kept rubbing to try to get whatever it was out, but it only seemed to be making it worse. when i got to work, my eye was watering and had only grown more itchy. it was so bad that i had to ignore everyone completely and go back to the bathroom to see what the fuck was up. when i looked in the mirror my entire eye was red and teary. i looked like rocky balboa. the white part of my eye was dark red and swollen so badly that my iris actually appeared to be inset. obviously i wasn't going to be finishing my shift crying in everyone's chicken proscuitto.

"i rubbed spider guts in my eye." i said to my boss.

"huh?" he said.

"nothing." i said. i thought of showing him the freakshow that was now my eye, but i didn't want him to scream in horror cause a scene.

anyway, google told me that unless it was a black widow or a recluse, i'd be fine. i took a few pictures of myself looking like a 90 year old jewish wizard and went to sleep.



that evening my eye was normal again.

is that all you got spider?

next time i'll lick the death off my fingers before going poking around eyeball city.

now i will go to jupiter to drink coffee by myself with the best bed head that will ever go fully unappreciated.

so despite my best efforts and using every excuse i could think of, i am willing to admit that i have officially been dooped into attending tonight's olive garden masquerade.

however, i am not wearing melissa's formal dress. instead, i have opted for my hipster dress. complete with my purple necklace and bangles from the downtown minimall. also, i will sport my fauxhawk. because i can, bitches.



travis' target carries clay-based hair wax.

mine does not.



when i was on the phone with my mom yesterday there was a big spider in the tree. he will remain nameless. i hope he eats the bees that live at the top of our front doorway. it made me nervous, but not scared. i think this is the same kind of spider that would hang outside travis' house at night that would make me want to sit in my car and cry and made him want to sit on his front steps laughing at me.



brad gave me an old hard drive. did i tell you that? brad > most people i know. brad's shirt is not.




warren says i look afrocentric in my fauxhawk pictures. i should have been black.

also, i'm pretty sure that one of my eyes is awkwardly higher than the other one. i'm not sure how i feel about that at the moment.

the other night i was sitting at jupiter reading my book and waiting on some homies and there was a guy sitting next to me watching some movie about brooklyn or manhattan or some place i've never been. he would have been slightly attractive had he been wearing different boots. they were shiny with pointed toes and were probably not italian. his dog is adorable and probably well-behaved. he is smoking a cigar and i like his sweater and his jeans are probably soft.



leave it to some loud-speaking ginger bitch to rain on my parade of jupiter house sitting. her obnoxiousness is also featured in the most recent video of mike's singing that will probably never make it onto my blog because i am mostly stupid.



also, mike is naming his new band after my frog. wellington, also. check out their first cd. also wellington.

yes.

i had written several things in my book on thursday night that i was supposed to blog about later. it is mostly illegible and probably some emo crap about my inadequacy issues. you're not missing a thing.