This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

as many of you may know, some time ago mengtar was engaged to a certain jx for just under a year. however, three months after she moved her ass across the country for this wonderful specimen, he started fucking a certain laura derousselle ((more commonly known as cunt-face-slut-bitch))... IN DECEMBER!

moving on...

when mengtar discovered that their relationship wasn't being flushed because of their own problems but because jx is a lying whore-monger, she went down an epic spiral of depression, drug-use, anxiety and alcoholism that she hasn't started pulling herself from until the last couple months.

mengtar dropped out of school. she drank til her kidneys bled. she lost 30 lbs. in anxiety-attack vomiting. she was unable to sleep by herself. she passed out inside petco. she fucked a lot of stupid people. she pushed everyone away.



and then they started a relationship.

cue transformation into angry-mengtar. picture the hulk... only an anxious alcoholic.

a few aspects have improved. mengtar drinks less. she eats and doesn't throw up. she stay conscious. she can sleep by herself at times. and though the wall is intact, she opens the door for a couple friends on occasion. ((ballers only!))



and now for the good part... ((man, i love facebook))

December 10:
Laura is going to be in Denton this weekend.
December 14:
Laura is in Denton being with Jx.
December 17:
Laura is back home until the next time she goes up to Denton.
December 18:
Laura is debating the options left open to her.
December 19:
Laura has decided that she hates you.
Laura hates you so much right now that she shakes uncontrollably and vomits when she thinks about you.

get over yourself. you actually thought it was going to work? seriously?!?

anyway, if you need me, kx and i are going to addison to do some joy-drinking. i'll be the one laughing uncontrollably at the predictability and lack of irony of the situation you put yourself in.

also, laura derousselle, fuck you.



ps. while you were together, i fucked him out of the vengeance i had for you.

so i got home from work and slept like a mofo and woke up crazy-happy for no reason at all... other than that i had finally gotten some sleep... which, if i'm not mistaken, is definitely a reason... fuck you.

except for the first few minutes ((5.27p)) where i ran through the house three-quarters-dazed thinking i had to be at work at 5.30... i'm awkward.

then cx and i played some yankee card games ((cribbage... and i won)) and gossipped about how everyone and their mothers are breaking up... okay... so actually only two couples... one is sad. the other made me laugh pretty hard... could have said something. didn't. whatever. as you soon as you decide to stop being fucking retarded about everything and using your fucking head once in a while, i would happy to be a part of your life. you know what the right decisions are. and you know that they're not that hard to make. it's about time that you stop being so fucking selfish about all of them and just fucking start making them.

i miss scottie raveling. for some reason i was thinking about him today and remembered him recommending the movie run lola run back in the day. i almost watched it tonight. didn't. i'm glad i could tell you that.

also, what am i supposed to say to that?

i find jupiter's new curly-haired, middle-aged regular and his trendy crew of college nothings zero-degrees shy of obnoxious. also, the braves suck. remember 1991? that is all.

the kharma of my shadey character has caught up with me this week. all obligations have fallen through.

i hate it that listening track 16 and watching grey's anatomy once in forever brings it all back and leaves me flooded with feelings of anger and inadequacy. yet completely empty.

tuesday the 6th is faux-giving.

returning coke habits would make me feel like less of an insomniac. tonight i only seek comfort and dependency. but not chemical.

clara and whoever honestyboxed me ((yes, i acknowledge my complete losery for referencing facebook applications in my blog)), i started writing my book. maybe i should scratch everything and work on an english/journalism degree.

there is something about watching mike play that makes me feel jealous or envious. i haven't decided which. he refuses to give up on his musical dreams that i feel have already passed me by. although i've been handed almost every building block opportunity i could have asked for, i have ammounted to nothing more than an og waitress with non-aspiring dreams of greatness. i deserve this life i live, only barely motivated to change.

i think this weekend will determine a lot.

i met tonight's jupiter barista at the loophole 2 weeks ago. the night i ran into kayla.

it will be days at least before the sub-38 degree cold hits my lungs and reminds me of every time i stepped outside for 20 years. i can't wait to flood my memory though i'm sure it will be followed by feelings of distaste for my southern entrapment.

there is something about sitting outside a crowded coffee shop by myself at 3am that makes me emo. but decidedly so, i should have kept my earmuffs yesterday. although, i wouldn't have this problem at all if i'd have gotten my DC hat from him months ago. but alas, she is in town with him for the weekend. so i will proceed with dangerous levels of caution every time i step into public. if only jack bauer was for hire.

also, that is the first joke of the blog. be ashamed if you smiled earlier. i hate you.

my completely unfunded vacation from the mundane, ordinary and monotony of life is fast-approaching, and my need for it grows exponentially.

i waited on the band director for ryan high. he marched phantom regiment and roomed with ray vasquez long ago before he was dr. ray vasquez. also, he left me five on a sixty. fuck them both. that is all.

short interruptions from chico's broken english story of bar rumbles and unfaithful girlfriends was appreciated. he took great interest in my story. then red kicked him out. i said thank you, but didn't mean it. i enjoy conversing with strangers. everyone has a story. they should be shared. i wish i was here alone last night.

instead, i fell asleep during the first x-men for the pluralth time. but it is a good movie. entertaining with little cinematic merit. my sleep is non-movie-discriminatory. i promise.

also, i will create whatever words i damn well please. get over yourself.

goal for the month: pay shit early and have money left over so i seem less financially desperate when my mom comes.

i haven't decided if i should act completely on emotion or logic. this middle-ground is providing less utility than hoped.

why did the chicken cross the road? because he wanted to maximize his utility.

haha, i should reread naked economics and start a xmas list. it would consist of the needs that will make me happy. like work shoes from that one place in lewisville or highland village or whatever.

on my way back from taking my lactose-intolerant-but-had-alfredo-sauce-at-lunch-poop i was stopped by homeslice with a camera. he was a jeremy or a david. he said "well aren't you dressed like the cutest thing ever." he took three shots and gave me a pat on the head on his way out. i'm glad my bedhead was appreciated even post-hood-removal. matted bedhead. my new look. whatever. he said he would contact me via my blog but after reading this post, that is unlikely. i don't mind.

i also want a laptop.

your apology last night took me by surprise. maybe i was standoffish so you thought i needed it. but the way you brushed off my inquisition made me anxious for the rest of the night. but i know it didn't show.

reading a madman dreams of turing machines requires listening to 311's evolution for at least the first 100 pages.

after six near-miss auto-collisions today, i think kharma is sending me a warning. point taken.

count the hyphens and made-up words in this post. i dare you.

my name is mengtar, and i'm an alcoholic. i have officially temporarily quit drinking for the next two weeks. it had started to feel like my body was slowly shutting down and i was continuing to make more and more poor decisions and spending way too much money on smokes and alcohol. i will not be chain-smoking anymore, as i only do that when i drink. i will also not be smoking in my car. 1 down, 13 to go.

since i'm doing a whole health-thing i may start running also. not sure. we'll see.



so two days ago i did something that i would usually openly discuss with the people i chill with but for some reason feel extremely guilty. and sadly, the person that usually hears the dirt on everything is the last person i would want to find out.

::le sigh::



now that vaguey-mc-vague-vague is done talking... in other news.

john and laura are officially together. congratulations, i really don't care. a thousand people have called to tell me and that was my reaction to them ver batum. i still have yet to hear from him and at this point can't figure out if he's being a misinformed dick or a fucking chickenshit. based on everything i know about him, i will safely assume the latter.

at this point, i only care because it would be nice to talk to him and to get my shit back. he still has my fish bowl ((not for fish)), my DC hat, my volcom shirt ((which actually used to be pete carey's volcom shirt)), my taco john's shirt ((which actually used to be emily erickson's taco john's shirt)), and my black river falls basketball duffel bag ((which actually used to be some basketball player's duffel bag from black river falls, wisconsin))



also in the news, i have no money and the labor day mattress sales are this weekend. FUCK! maybe kyle will have a re-change of heart.

was supposed to start at three-fins but have yet to do so... FUCK AGAIN!

last night was a little out there. if only i had brought my camera. i've gotten bad about that.

there was a couch that smelled like fish.
50 cent wells at side bar.
drunken text messages.
godly jack in the box.
a short nap outside the theatre.
we woke up michael ann's new neighbors at 3am by throwing rocks at their windows so we could meet carlos the stoned tattoo artist.
a walk to jupiter where i stole a glass that was ours all along.
and i saw a dude i used to work with whose name i couldn't remember but he noticed that i lost weight and he liked my hair. people i barely know should do that more often. just be like "hey, good to see you, you look great, bye". a very efficient conversation.

john is sleeping with her. i hate thinking about it, but it's not like i'm reserving myself either. i hate that i have double standards about everything... sometimes. when he comes to denton, i need to tell him everything. but it was comforting because i knew that he is finally being honest about what is going on. but my biggest fear is still that it will turn into more than just two friends fucking and trying to survive the summer and that he will come back and not want to be with me. biggest fear.

spiders have nothing on that one.

my favorite drunk food and hangover food is kfc. even though i woke up this morning feeling and looking skinnier, i'm weighing out significantly more. whatever, i still need some kfc.

px said:
hey
mx said:
hey. what's goin on?
px said:
What's up
mx said:
not much. chillin. doing laundry. being lame. and single. and angry. how've you been, baller?
px said:
Haha baller? Where do u get that from
mx said:
uhh.. well i kind of am one. so i'm licensed to use it in conversation now.
px said:
Haha. Nice. I think this is the first convo I've had with u on here since like 01
mx said:
01?? whatever.
px said:
that's why its funny
mx said:
and i know i talked to you after i moved to texas.
px said:
Yes
mx said:
okay
px said:
U have. R u still there?
mx said:
don't make me feel like a bad friend.
px said:
Well I've prolly im you like 1500 times, but u never respond
mx said:
yeah, i know. that's because i leave my computer thinking i'll come back, but then i remember that i'm supposed to do things. and then i don't come home for 3 days
px said:
So then wouldn't that kinda make u a bad friend if u know? Lol
mx said:
and then i'm like "shit, i missed px again!"
px said:
Riiiight... Ok so give me the run down, what happend
mx said:
uhh, with john?
px said:
Yes
mx said:
do you remember laura derousselle? she played baritone? apparently he had been messing around with her since December...
px said:
Yes!!!! Huuuuge booty, how could I forget
mx said:
you're not helping.
px said:
Oh, sorry... Oops. Waut, like boning?
mx said:
yep
px said:
Wow, she doesn't look like the type, but anyway... So how'd u find out
mx said:
i was on his facebook, actually.
px said:
And.....
mx said:
and i read some of his old messages. well, the reason i did that is because i saw a text msesage from her on his phone. and there was a bunch of stuff. i don't really want to talk about it
px said:
Oh. Ok
mx said:
sorry, this whole thing has been really hard.
px said:
I bet!!!! I'm sorry. That's bogus. So what r u gona do?
mx said:
nothing. what am i supposed to do?
px said:
Move back? Move on? Idk
mx said:
i'm staying
px said:
Oh
mx said:
i like it here
px said:
So what did you do when u found out, what did u say to him?
mx said:
well, i found out like 5 minutes before i was supposed to leave for work so i got to work, and i kept crying and shit, because i'm a girl and that's what we do, and then i went home and got drunk at like 11am and he was out of town for a wgi show and wasn't going to be home until that evening. so i called his dad because i was WASTED. not to rub it in his face that he cheated on me, but just to tell him that he wasn't going to be sleeping at the house that night and that he would probably end up there. in my drunkenness i looked at it as like a courtesy call hold on, i have to pee and check laundry. go ahead and talk
px said:
Umm, I really dnt have anything to say, I'm more or less still listening. I am curious as to what his reaction was
mx said:
he was really angry that everyone found out. not angry at me, just angry.
px said:
Yeah. Wow. Have u talked to him since?
mx said:
yeah. we talk all the time. i still love him.
px said:
Wtf! That's crazy!
mx said:
i mean, it's impossible to go from wanting to marry someone to absolutely hating them. we're not together. and i'm angry about what he did. and i'm angry at him. but i still love him.
px said:
Yeah. Nice facebook pic btw
mx said:
ha, yours too. so profesional. ha
px said:
No, really.... I'm not bn funny
mx said:
i know, but i am
px said:
Ugh! Booo I like that pic!
mx said:
what?!? well thank you. i appreciate the complement.
px said:
I think I look handsome. And my eyes look dreamy
mx said:
yeah, i'm pretty sure i was drunk in that picture. because i think it's my cousin's wedding.
px said:
But whatever, u can hate on my pic if u want too... I like it
mx said:
i said i liked it!
px said:
U said u were bn sarcastic
mx said:
no. i meant that i liked your picture. i was just laughing at the idea of you being professional
px said:
Have oh. Have you had sex with anyone else since? Oh, whatever, I am professional!
mx said:
no. no one else. i wanted to. came close.
px said:
Why
mx said:
because i want to be a bitch. but... i can't
px said:
Y can't u
mx said:
because i love him! i would probably start crying or have an anxiety attack or something
px said:
Wow. That's heavy. You're such a girl
mx said:
i know... and i wasn't until i met him
px said:
Haha
mx said:
seriously, i was a crazy bitch who just like suckin dick and hated emotional attachments to anything
px said:
I can't imagine going from engaged to single
mx said:
yeah, it's a mind-fuck. and i've never had anxiety problems before this... but i had to go to the doctor and get put on meds because i kept having anxiety attacks and throwing up and shit. i passed out at petco like a week and a half ago so now i have to buy the crickets that my frog eats at petsmart. even though it's on the opposite side of town
px said:
Wow!
mx said:
yeah. this shit fucked me up
px said:
I'm sure. And that's a crazy thing to say, (u just liked to suck dick) Who says that!!?? Lol
mx said:
i did!!! haha i mean, i still do... but just his. i mean, i don't
px said:
Ha
mx said:
but i still like to
px said:
Ha!!!!
mx said:
well... shutup
px said:
I got ya
mx said:
okay, good
px said:
What's the joy in sucking dick for a girl anyway
mx said:
the same it is for a guy eating out some pussy. being able to give the other person so much pleasure is a major turn on
px said:
Ahh ok. Ic. That's true. It is a turn on..... Especially when they get off
mx said:
exactly
px said:
I don't know if I've met a wilder person
mx said:
i'm not wild. i'm just open. and i like what feels good
px said:
Well, I mean with a wilder life story
mx said:
haha
px said:
And that is as open. ...and what feels good?
mx said:
drugs. drinking. sex. love... but i kind of got fucked over in that department.
px said:
What feels good isn't what always is good for u
mx said:
i know. and that's why i don't do drugs anymore. except pot. but one step at a time
px said:
Good. Hable me.
mx said:
hable?
px said:
It means blow
mx said:
ha! that's how they say it in the hood?
px said:
Jk, it means talk to me in spanish. Lol! No!
mx said:
but in spanish isn't it one word because it's a command? hableme?
px said:
Maybe
mx said:
i don't know
px said:
Sure
mx said:
haha that's how the ballers ball

i know they're friends. i know they talk. but i can't help but get insanely angry every time he's on aim, because i know that he's talking to her.

we went out to a movie tonight. saw the invisible. it was pretty good. however, there were about a dozen dumb bitches two rows ahead of us that got stupid girly giggly in the dumb parts. it made me angry.

before the movie i stopped by the apartment to get my home-made purse because it is larger than my regular purse and easier to sneak popcorn into theaters because i'm poor. and michael ann was at the apartment. it was... well... awkward... i don't know if she thought i was there to like steal shit or something? i don't know. but she felt the need to call john and tell him that i'm mischievous or something. i don't know.

i love him. i want to trust him. i don't. at all. and that's the hardest part. for both of us. and because i don't trust him, i find myself checking his phone and playing all of those stupid immature mind games that do nothing but make him lose trust in me.

this is hard.

so, uhh... john cheated on me with laura derousselle. what the fuck, right? yeah. no more hiding peoples' names on this one. guilty guilty. and the fucked up part, it wasn't just a one time drunken whatthefuckever. oh no ma'am. he felt a hint of doubt and instead of fixing shit, went running to the hills, or the next closest set of pants... in december!

wow. i still get nauseaus thinking of this and i found this out almost five days ago.

so all this happened and now i have anxiety attacks like 2-3 times a day. ends in crying and puking. super great.

and i don't want to hear any of this, "i guess you two just weren't meant to be," or, "at least you found out now rather than once you got married." nope. don't want to hear it.

why?

because i'm in crazy psycho denial apparently and i still love him. maybe something catastrophic has to happen before i'll finally get the hint that "hey, he fucked someone else.... TWICE, obviously being engaged to this guy isn't the best investment of your time"

i don't know. right now i just feel really lost and constantly alone. and in fucking texas. what the fuck. i moved to fucking texas. and for what? to get cheated on. and it's not like it's all his fault. of course not. it couldn't be. she knows me. she knows that i'm engaged to him. yet... she... fucks him. yep. fucks him... TWICE.

what the fuck. and i went to the doctor to get some pills to deal with this anxiety bullshit. and i can't even get them for another 72 hours. some bullshit where my insurance company needs confirmation from the doctor that it is for medical purposes. come on now. seriously. it's two mother fucking phone calls. i know calls to insurance companies are long and painful... but seriously... so is getting cheated on.

in other news, i hate everything.