a week of insomnia and a day of delerium, my eyelids are heavy.

exciting as the buildup before an orgasm.

goodnight, world. we will discuss your methods upon my awakening.

insomnia 2, mengtar 0.

occasionally, in the wee hours of the am when everyone in the house is in a deep sleep, i throw down on some assassins creed. i don't like people watching my play videogames. i'm not sure if it's because i'm afraid they'll be condescending because i'm not good enough, or just because i waste my time playing videogames. regardless, i'm sure i'd be unable to offer a quality rebuttle while rescuing the citizens of acre.

ix and i are getting tatted and pierced next week. i'm pretty beyond excited.



after i arrived at work this morning, denton became allergycentral5000. i started scratching my eyeballs out and made homeboy bring me my glasses. outgrown cute haircut, unbathed and unwashed face, no makeup ((per usual)), and i had to wear my glasses. all kinds of unattractive.

also, my glasses make me angry. the stronger prescription gives me a headache and has a jekyll-hyde effect as i morph into angry-mengtar. i accept it and expect everyone else to just deal.

every time i change snowflake and wellington also's water dish, wellington also runs a red-light escape drill. he has yet to jump. maybe he just likes the view.




i started slacking on my running and smoking cutback, so hopefully tomorrow i can kick my ass with a 3-mile and some gym-time with bballamike.

maybe i should just start drinking and cut my hair tonight. i'd feel more productive about my insomnia.

or i could hydrate for tomorrow's workout... nope.



i can't find my scissors. haircuts will just have to wait.

going on my third day since i last slept. but after work i might go to the dog park and blog about all of the other dogs there that are too spoiled and how well-behaved my dogs are. ((as if i needed more reasons to not have kids))




but it's probably going to be 40 degrees so i might be the only one at the park.

i'm over it.

tonight: congratulations is playing at the boiler room. midnight. see you there.

now that i have a computer that doesn't run on gerbils, i was able to install the greatest computer game of all time... WOLFENSTEIN-3D! for those of you who are unfamiliar, wolf 3d is an early 90's WWII first person shooter game. takes me back to those wonderful MS-DOS days... so i re-installed it to my computer... doesn't work.



there was also a barney the dinosaur version... incredible.

i haven't slept the last two nights and my biggest disappointment of the week is still that i can't work wolf 3d.




i'm glad i have some days where the biggest decisions i have to make is what fruits to include in my breakfast smoothie.

we were looking for beerpong balls and found some surprises. these are memories i will supress for years.

i just wanted to watch cadd shack.

instead, kx and i went to albertsons. we couldn't find any balls with the bells inside them. i didn't stand a fucking chance. the same fucking stick that michael was with. couch. appareltnyl this kid kcan't com e to anything. that is all i guess.

but not really. because i'm starting to get angry again. maybe it's because i'm drunk. maybe it's because i haven't been sleeping. but dude... seriously... we are overdue for a discussion of what the fuck is going on because i'm not appreciating the awkward lac of openness and story switching bullshit that we both know is bullshit becaue we both do it to eachtoher mesufe.

i don't think i've o[pened my eyes throughout this post. so good luck fuckiners.

::heart megan))

no amount of 66 swings can make not sleeping any easier.

don't wake me up unless it's fuckgin great.

i am exhausted. physically. mentally. emotionally. but still... sleep doesn't come.



but i'm developing a theory... to be continued.

it came in the mail today. yay!!! i think i'm going to be more excited than homeboy when he gets it... but that's okay.

the og conned me into working all day so now i feel exhausted but still can't sleep. ((story of my life)) but i had forgotten my phone at the house so i couldn't even stay entertained sending text messages.



between shifts i went out to my car for a smoke and to listen to some music and drum on my steering wheel and whatnot. locked my keys in my car.

((fuck me))

and i have a spare key on my kitchen counter.

((no cell phone))

so i sat on hold with aaa for a half hour and they showed up in the middle of dinner rush. fuck balls.

at least the engine wasn't running... just the electric part... but regardless... fuck balls.

also, because i didn't have my phone, i couldn't find out if kx was staying in
denton or going to houston today, and it turns out i totally bailed on him again... because i suck... hard... at all of it.

yesterday i saw a marimba in the back of a pickup truck. it made me miss these kids.

so i got home from work and slept like a mofo and woke up crazy-happy for no reason at all... other than that i had finally gotten some sleep... which, if i'm not mistaken, is definitely a reason... fuck you.

except for the first few minutes ((5.27p)) where i ran through the house three-quarters-dazed thinking i had to be at work at 5.30... i'm awkward.

then cx and i played some yankee card games ((cribbage... and i won)) and gossipped about how everyone and their mothers are breaking up... okay... so actually only two couples... one is sad. the other made me laugh pretty hard... could have said something. didn't. whatever. as you soon as you decide to stop being fucking retarded about everything and using your fucking head once in a while, i would happy to be a part of your life. you know what the right decisions are. and you know that they're not that hard to make. it's about time that you stop being so fucking selfish about all of them and just fucking start making them.

i miss scottie raveling. for some reason i was thinking about him today and remembered him recommending the movie run lola run back in the day. i almost watched it tonight. didn't. i'm glad i could tell you that.

also, what am i supposed to say to that?

i dreamt about killer whales the size of my forearm and the bad guy from no country for old men and i woke up a thousand times freaking out that i was about to get knifed or airgunned and flailed about and interrupted some above average quality cuddling. awkward.

((sorry))

and since i've had nothing but lots of coffee and half of my el guapo's ((at a discount rate of 40%... seriously... i should go there more often than twice ever)) i'm basically operating at the mental capacity of cheese.



my nap was postponed so i could spend some quality time with an ((understandably)) irritable mx in the emergency room. iron appedices and no surgeries is bballa by definition.

we even have matching hand wounds!



((and by matching, i mean that we are both on the disabled list))

now that i have christmas plans, i definitely need to do some shopping. i've been working up a good brainstorm, but my insomnia doesn't provide for much to be a-brewin'.

i feel sorry for everyone i'm about to wait on tonight.



also, my crotch is bleeding, but i'm too tired to notice.

merry 250 and welcome visitor 666!

so scratch my last statement. rant revoked. apparently i should just mature up a bit and not be socially awkward and actually approach people or something... how conceptual!

::le sigh::

also, in case you forgot how awesome i am... there is this.



in other news... i have officially gotten my fifth ear infection since moving to texas. but apparently lucky number five also comes with accute bronchitis! how generous!

last night i was exhausted and couldn't sleep for balls. even after watching two movies. ((one of which makes me fall asleep EVERY TIME!!)) but my head was pounding all crazy in every direction and then i was cold then hot then freezing then i turned crazy and at 6am i decided i needed to go home because i was tripping and told homeboy and he went to get some meds out of the bathroom and was gone for maybe 25 seconds and i layed down and passed out. then i drank water and decided that i'm stupid and to just go to bed. it was quite the ordeal.

tomorrow i have an interview with a holiday inn cat to see about that bartending gig for reals. keep it in the pocket.

why does she have to defend her feelings inside? why pretend she's not had a life of near misses? now all that she wants is three little wishes. she wants to see with your eyes. she wants to smile with your smile. she wants a nice surprise every once in a while. ((little fifteen))

i find jupiter's new curly-haired, middle-aged regular and his trendy crew of college nothings zero-degrees shy of obnoxious. also, the braves suck. remember 1991? that is all.

the kharma of my shadey character has caught up with me this week. all obligations have fallen through.

i hate it that listening track 16 and watching grey's anatomy once in forever brings it all back and leaves me flooded with feelings of anger and inadequacy. yet completely empty.

tuesday the 6th is faux-giving.

returning coke habits would make me feel like less of an insomniac. tonight i only seek comfort and dependency. but not chemical.

clara and whoever honestyboxed me ((yes, i acknowledge my complete losery for referencing facebook applications in my blog)), i started writing my book. maybe i should scratch everything and work on an english/journalism degree.

there is something about watching mike play that makes me feel jealous or envious. i haven't decided which. he refuses to give up on his musical dreams that i feel have already passed me by. although i've been handed almost every building block opportunity i could have asked for, i have ammounted to nothing more than an og waitress with non-aspiring dreams of greatness. i deserve this life i live, only barely motivated to change.

i think this weekend will determine a lot.

i met tonight's jupiter barista at the loophole 2 weeks ago. the night i ran into kayla.

it will be days at least before the sub-38 degree cold hits my lungs and reminds me of every time i stepped outside for 20 years. i can't wait to flood my memory though i'm sure it will be followed by feelings of distaste for my southern entrapment.

there is something about sitting outside a crowded coffee shop by myself at 3am that makes me emo. but decidedly so, i should have kept my earmuffs yesterday. although, i wouldn't have this problem at all if i'd have gotten my DC hat from him months ago. but alas, she is in town with him for the weekend. so i will proceed with dangerous levels of caution every time i step into public. if only jack bauer was for hire.

also, that is the first joke of the blog. be ashamed if you smiled earlier. i hate you.

my completely unfunded vacation from the mundane, ordinary and monotony of life is fast-approaching, and my need for it grows exponentially.

i waited on the band director for ryan high. he marched phantom regiment and roomed with ray vasquez long ago before he was dr. ray vasquez. also, he left me five on a sixty. fuck them both. that is all.

short interruptions from chico's broken english story of bar rumbles and unfaithful girlfriends was appreciated. he took great interest in my story. then red kicked him out. i said thank you, but didn't mean it. i enjoy conversing with strangers. everyone has a story. they should be shared. i wish i was here alone last night.

instead, i fell asleep during the first x-men for the pluralth time. but it is a good movie. entertaining with little cinematic merit. my sleep is non-movie-discriminatory. i promise.

also, i will create whatever words i damn well please. get over yourself.

goal for the month: pay shit early and have money left over so i seem less financially desperate when my mom comes.

i haven't decided if i should act completely on emotion or logic. this middle-ground is providing less utility than hoped.

why did the chicken cross the road? because he wanted to maximize his utility.

haha, i should reread naked economics and start a xmas list. it would consist of the needs that will make me happy. like work shoes from that one place in lewisville or highland village or whatever.

on my way back from taking my lactose-intolerant-but-had-alfredo-sauce-at-lunch-poop i was stopped by homeslice with a camera. he was a jeremy or a david. he said "well aren't you dressed like the cutest thing ever." he took three shots and gave me a pat on the head on his way out. i'm glad my bedhead was appreciated even post-hood-removal. matted bedhead. my new look. whatever. he said he would contact me via my blog but after reading this post, that is unlikely. i don't mind.

i also want a laptop.

your apology last night took me by surprise. maybe i was standoffish so you thought i needed it. but the way you brushed off my inquisition made me anxious for the rest of the night. but i know it didn't show.

reading a madman dreams of turing machines requires listening to 311's evolution for at least the first 100 pages.

after six near-miss auto-collisions today, i think kharma is sending me a warning. point taken.

count the hyphens and made-up words in this post. i dare you.

i would rather be a lonely crazed insomniac than continue being comforted only occasionaly and wonder what the fuck was going on inside your head. i don't have time or patience to decode your shit.

sorry, but i'll do you a favor and end this phase. please continue down your string of bitches. you'll still get your money in a couple weeks.

also, bitch stop stealing my pop-tarts.



you live for the fight when that's all that you've got.

i think snowflake is sick. i might bring him to the doctor tomorrow. i'm not ready to lose pets or have a breakdown at the vet. would anyone like to join me?

for some reason nights of drugs and fist fights put me in a rather negative funk.

halo3 looks amazing on a 49" dlp hdtv.

the anxiety accellerates.

i have slept at my house alone once in the past two weeks.

too dependent, but i've been having a blast.

also, i lack sleep and sanity.

pictures and stories of everything to come. don't worry, i've been keeping track. and my memory is like a safe.

((liar))

i'm sick. it's early and i can't go back to bed. i can't drink. it's pouring rain and lightning.

but i can't stop smiling.

because he called me.