when i went to pour myself my regular shot of whiskey i take just before leaving the house, there was what appeared to be a goose down feather resting just above the lid of the windsor. as i went to brush it aside it's little transparent feather tentacles moved. it wasn't a feather, it was a very very fragile white spider, a baby perhaps, maybe even a spider ghost. didn't matter, it had no business blocking my booze so i dealt with it by snapping it between my thumb and middle finger instantly vaporizing it's transparent little spider existence.

you could only be so lucky to die in such a manner.

with a snap of the fingers.

so awesome, so humane.

i rubbed the morning nap out of my eyes, picked out some sunglasses, and was on my way to work. in the car my eye began to itch, like maybe when i rubbed my eyes, i had rubbed a little too hard, or maybe got a speck of dust in it. i kept rubbing to try to get whatever it was out, but it only seemed to be making it worse. when i got to work, my eye was watering and had only grown more itchy. it was so bad that i had to ignore everyone completely and go back to the bathroom to see what the fuck was up. when i looked in the mirror my entire eye was red and teary. i looked like rocky balboa. the white part of my eye was dark red and swollen so badly that my iris actually appeared to be inset. obviously i wasn't going to be finishing my shift crying in everyone's chicken proscuitto.

"i rubbed spider guts in my eye." i said to my boss.

"huh?" he said.

"nothing." i said. i thought of showing him the freakshow that was now my eye, but i didn't want him to scream in horror cause a scene.

anyway, google told me that unless it was a black widow or a recluse, i'd be fine. i took a few pictures of myself looking like a 90 year old jewish wizard and went to sleep.



that evening my eye was normal again.

is that all you got spider?

next time i'll lick the death off my fingers before going poking around eyeball city.

now i will go to jupiter to drink coffee by myself with the best bed head that will ever go fully unappreciated.