let's see... john and i hung out last week and things were pretty cool. smoked a bowl or two.



saw the aqua teen hunger force colon movie for the theaters. it was alright. but athf is best done in small, half hour doses. but i still enjoyed it.



the next day i had an anxiety attack at petco and passed out. i'm thinking about buying my crickets somewhere else from now on. or maybe i'll make mike buy them for me. who knows. i just don't want to be "that girl fucked up girl that passed out that one time." but i went to john's to calm myself down a bit, but he was being ridiculously shady and unsupportive even though we had just talked about how we should be there for eachother and support eachother. what the fuck.



so that put me in a horribly upset funk for the rest of the week.



however,

thursday i woke up horrible. was horrible all morning. horrible all afternoon. horrible while i was in the shower. stepped out of the shower ridiculously manic-like, singing and dancing, laughing and smiling. whatever. don't know where that came from, but it was great. so i was in a great mood for the first time since all of this bullshit started.

friday was my birthday. it was alright. the party was big, even though only like half of the people that were supposed to be there actually showed up. oh well, it was still a blast and there were still 20ish people in attendance. peter showed up with the fucking cast of metalocalypse. they were cool.

i also made it a requirement for everyone to be photographed kissing the birthday girl. that only lasted until i got drunklor, then i forgot.

also, i was drunk before anyone really showed up. that is the true megan-party fashion.

post-party was rough. i had maybe 5-7 strong anxiety attacks back-to-back. i was really scared and i think mike was close to bringing me to the hospital or something. it was nice to have someone helping me through it though. he will make a fine medic one day.

quit my job because the new manager is crazy.

applied a few places yesterday and had an interview. supposed to hear back this afternoon. dropping off more applications later.

also, kyle is a rabbit.

there.

you've been fed.

things i want for my birthday:

i want the twins to beat the tigers.
i want a mac laptop.
i want lots of whiskey or wine.
i want my prescription of celexa to be boosted to 50mg from 20mg.
i want to feeled loved.
i want a mattress.
i want to wake up after the sun comes up.
i want windshield wiper blades.
i want that first pair of boots that the red-headed girl is seen wearing in the devil wears prada.
i want a renewed subscription to rolling stone magazine. and maybe cosmo too.
i want a killer tan.
i want sarah and lance to decide to start their own med school in denton, texas.
i want to be magically 20 lbs. lighter and 10 thousand dollars richer.
i want some more antivirus software for my computer so i can illegally download some depressing music because that is what i want to hear right now.
i want to be on the show project runway except for the fact that i know how to operate a sewing machine and make quilts and purses and that is about all.







ps. i was just catching up on this season's project runway, and what the fuck?!?!?! wendy made it into the top three and is going to olympus fashion week?!?!? how the hell did that happen?!?

anxiety and depression only allow me to get four hours of sleep at a time. it's 6am. all there is to do now is sit around thinking about how much i hate myself.

i went outside to tan at 10.45 this morning. it was sunny, warm and beautiful.

i felt relaxed and happy.

i fell asleep.

i woke up at 11.30 and it was cloudy, cold and i was freezing my ass off.

double depressing.

well, most of my anger has subsided, at least temporarily, and i have become completely overwhelmed with rock-bottom depression. i hope their pleasure was worth all this pain. and i hope she enjoys everything that i love about him, but something tells me that it just wasn't worth it.

the doctor put me on some anti-anxiety/depressants. so far, nothing. i'm doing worse than before and am downright miserable. i can only keep food down half of the time. i can't sleep more than two hours. i have anxiety attacks. i pretty much hate myself right now.

i had an anxiety attack at petco. great. now i'm no longer the cool one that buys crickets, but now i'm the cause-a-scene anxiety-attack-girl. fucking great.

birthday party!!!!

party at my place.

friday, april 27th.

starts whenever i get off work.

ends whenever i pass out.

2307 brooklake st.

3202600337

but i guess on the less than positive side, he's out of town until mondayish. i don't know how that makes it better that he cheated on me.... but... at least i don't have to see him. although he visited me at work today, and as much as i hated it, i actually kind of liked it.

sometimes i hate it that i love him this much.

quote of the year: seriously, what the fuck...

back to being drunkity drunk drunk because... i was cheated on and i am now absolutely miserable.

so, uhh... john cheated on me with laura derousselle. what the fuck, right? yeah. no more hiding peoples' names on this one. guilty guilty. and the fucked up part, it wasn't just a one time drunken whatthefuckever. oh no ma'am. he felt a hint of doubt and instead of fixing shit, went running to the hills, or the next closest set of pants... in december!

wow. i still get nauseaus thinking of this and i found this out almost five days ago.

so all this happened and now i have anxiety attacks like 2-3 times a day. ends in crying and puking. super great.

and i don't want to hear any of this, "i guess you two just weren't meant to be," or, "at least you found out now rather than once you got married." nope. don't want to hear it.

why?

because i'm in crazy psycho denial apparently and i still love him. maybe something catastrophic has to happen before i'll finally get the hint that "hey, he fucked someone else.... TWICE, obviously being engaged to this guy isn't the best investment of your time"

i don't know. right now i just feel really lost and constantly alone. and in fucking texas. what the fuck. i moved to fucking texas. and for what? to get cheated on. and it's not like it's all his fault. of course not. it couldn't be. she knows me. she knows that i'm engaged to him. yet... she... fucks him. yep. fucks him... TWICE.

what the fuck. and i went to the doctor to get some pills to deal with this anxiety bullshit. and i can't even get them for another 72 hours. some bullshit where my insurance company needs confirmation from the doctor that it is for medical purposes. come on now. seriously. it's two mother fucking phone calls. i know calls to insurance companies are long and painful... but seriously... so is getting cheated on.

in other news, i hate everything.

last night i went to the bank and made a large deposit via atm into my checking account to cover all the bills that i had mailed out that day. today i made another deposit via atm into my checking account. however, upon opening my checkbook i found the deposit slip from the last deposit i made. apparently i forgot to put the deposit slip in the envelope with my deposit. i felt pretty fucking dumb. i filled the whole thing out... but left it in my checkbook. i are dumb.

my mom drunk dialed me tonight...

we have a new manager at the bep. half way through my shift, he walked past me and reeked of pot. i was in complete denial that this 50something year old guy would be smoking up at work and assumed that it was someone else. but later i went into the office.... dudes.... this guy was smoking weed in the fucking office. his second mother fucking day on the job. holy balls.

in other news, i'm drinking beer.

i restarted running every day. i'm trying to be hardcore about it so i can really knock out this half marathon that is approaching a lot faster than i had hoped it would.

i quit smoking kind of too. i mean, when i drink, i'll probably have a few, but i'm also cutting back on my drinking. mostly i quit buying cigarettes because i have to pay all those fucking bills and shit. fuck.

jx and i took defensive driving last night. it was alright. it was supposed to be six hours of hell so i could get a lower car insurance rate and jx could erase a speeding ticket from his record. however, now they have a thing called the "comedy defensive driving" where a local standup comedian teaches the class. it was alright, and we ended up getting out of class after only 4.5 hours. the guy wasn't hilarious, but how many defensive driving jokes can you make in 4.5 hours? also, it was at joe's crab shack. so we ate decent food. however, we couldn't drink. i don't understand why we couldn't drink in a defensive driving course.

i smoked out with a couple of jx's friends from metro the other night. they were a lot cooler than i remembered meeting them. i was alright with that. then jx and i realized that this was the first time we had actually smoked pot together. what the fuck. we had both smoked it many-a-time since i had moved to texas, and many-a-time before i moved to texas, but never together. it was a cute moment.

also, our defensive driving instructor was super into Mitch Hedberg. I was down with that.

jx was out of town this weekend for drum corps and shit. it was lonely without him. i worked double shifts every day, but still had to try filling every extra hour to keep my mind off missing him.

friday night i went down to the curtain club in dallas to catch a friend's band. crash sight. they were pretty fucking good. a lot better than i thought they were going to be. i was impressed.

saturday night i chilled with basically the same people and hung out at ax's apartment. her cat dez hogged the couch. her boyfriend made me stay up and watch vacuum and chuck norris infomercials.

torii hunter just batted in joe mauer. 8-2. yankees lead.

it was really nice getting jx back home. to fuck him, to sleep next to him, to be held by him. it's hard knowing that after two years i'm going to be giving it all up soon.

we saw grindhouse, the new tarantino/rodriguez film at the movie tavern today. it was awesome. the first half was rough because i was trying to eat the whole time... and it was pretty gross to watch... but the second half of the first half was just plain funny. the second part of the double feature film was absolutely awesome. i laughed. hard.

naveen andres ((sayid, the hottie in lost)) was in the first feature. i love that guy.

apparently the girl that was our server at the tavern also spins at tjs on wednesday nights. interesting. i caught an"i'm trying to pick you up" vibe from jx when he introduced himself to her. it made me nauseous and i cried a little bit. he didn't notice.

so i had a small match in this abyss of fucking dark shit, and that was that my mom had written a check to university fucking courtyard apartments to terminate my lease.

however, it turns out, not only would they have needed the check two days ago, but they don't take checks. they insist on checks for paying your rent but you cannot terminate your lease with a check.

fucking fuck.

so that means not only do i need to find like that original $1000, but i also need another $435 for next month's rent and then another $850 to terminate the fucking lease... so i need $1000 by april 31st, but i need over $2200 by may 5th.

seriously... seriously.

what the fuck.

i can only hope that rmx is going to get his student loan check super soon and then i will start working at his job tomorrow morning and i will get paid direct deposit every 2 hours...

yeah... that would be great.

i don't even fucking get it anymore.
two weeks ago, john didn't want to be with me. a week ago he said that he wanted to work it all out and that i should go away to school with him. now we are apparently back where we fucking started from???
i'm a strong person.
i'm not strong enough for this.
i love being with him. and i want more than anything for all of this to work. and honestly, the good times we have together and the love i feel when he holds me is worth all of the crying when he tells me these things.
i don't know what i'm doing.

so I'm back in texas. it's nice. i missed it. what the fuck. i missed texas. like, every part of it. whatever.

i went to roster's in st. cloud. the guy that owns it used to be one of the managers at the copper lantern where i used to work, as well as both of my sisters. i was not impressed. the landscaping was bad. the architecture was bad. the chairs were apholstered in red velvet... it's a sports bar, not a casino. and today was the day of like everyone's mlb season openers and the biggest tv had the discovery channel. what the fuck. the soup was great, the stir fry was okay.

so now it's been officially decided ((by myself)) that i'm super dieting now. like... well... starting tomorrow i guess. and i'm going to be running a lot.

tomorrow is also car insurance and apartment day! huzzah!

snowflake grew. he eats cars now.

kx said:
mx!
mx said:
kx!
mx said:
check me out!! http://minnesota.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=37696748&id=13930565
kx said:
i got a laptop!
mx said:
i don't even know if that will work. you're an asshole I have over $1000 in bills due this month to various places. most i wasn't aware of their existance until i came home
kx said:
what? and am i looking at your profile picture?
mx said:
did that picture work? yeah
kx said:
guitar!
mx said:
of me playing guitar hero in a bar! fucking right! and I'm rocking it because... that's how i roll. what kind of laptop did you get?!?
kx said:
*cough*a mac lol
mx said:
asshole
kx said:
haha
mx said:
I want one sooo bad. but I'm saving up for a fucking dell or hewlitt because they are waaaay cheaper even though I will die a little inside because it isn't a mac...
kx said:
you get back tomorrow?
mx said:
yes
kx said:
how are things
mx said:
things are okay I guess. i miss texas. i didn't think i would
kx said:
har har
mx said:
it's a weird sensation
kx said:
i saw your new bloggy thing
mx said:
was it an incredible experience?
kx said:
lol haven't seen it in a few days
mx said:
you're not missing much
kx said:
i think the thing i like most on this is the camera....its really nice. i got a piano keyboard for it too so i can make some music stuff
mx said:
brag a bit more jerkface ohh!!!! can we record an album on it with garageband?? please please please?!?!?!?
kx said:
umm sure
mx said:
sweet
kx said:
i don't know how to make garage band work. inface
mx said:
i do.
kx said:
*infact
mx said:
ha
kx said:
i got a nice bootleg copy of finale 2007 today :-D
mx said:
i thought you were slamming me or something... like "in your face" but "inface" man, you are just climbing the bitch ladder, now, aren't you? well I played guitar hero in a bar... inface!
kx said:
niceee. that was in a bar?!
mx said:
uhh... yeah... notice all the bar stuff behind me? and how when I said it before, i said I'm playing guitar hero in a bar?? http://minnesota.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=37696748&id=13930565 they have it with their karaoke.
kx said:
nice
mx said:
and they have 2 guitars
kx said:
did you win
mx said:
no. ha. inface!
kx said:
nice
mx said:
have i missed anything crazy awesome at the house? is jx staying out of trouble?are you keeping cx in line?
kx said:
rmx said he got pretty fucking high the other night, came into his room eating a giant bowl of ice cream
mx said:
has rmx killed any dogs? is hx... hx? at the house? or before he came home?
kx said:
hx... hx is hx!
mx said:
how nice!
kx said:
wants to kill puppies
mx said:
as always. did jx smoke it at the house? or did he just come home high?
kx said:
jx's tanding behind me now. somewhere else
mx said:
i see.
kx said:
subject chagne!
mx said:
http://minnesota.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=37656132&op=1&view=all&subj=13930565&id=13922983 i fell off that booth later and hurt my head
kx said:
woot
mx said:
and i tried to skateboard on tuesday and i fell and hurt my knee hardcore. like, i fell asleep in my jeans
kx said:
lol rmx is really drunk right now. REALLY drunk
mx said:
and when i woke up i could barely get my jeans off because my knee was too swollen ha. isn't drunk mike the best?
kx said:
he apparently went to play bowling
mx said:
next to drunk kx, of course. who?
kx said:
and drank 2 pitchers by himself. rmx
mx said:
wow. what about the other
kx said:
jx? he's fine
mx said:
present?
kx said:
he rehearsed outside all day
mx said:
sun burned still?
kx said:
he's sunburned to hell
mx said:
i fucking told him. he still there?
kx said:
i'm on the recliner. he's at the kitchen counter. so...kinda yes.
mx said:
i see. wow laptops are the shit. i'm hoping for one for my birthday because i dropped like 20 hints. like major hints
kx said:
gogo. umm actually
mx said:
and i was sure to add that i could then sell my computer and it would really help me out financially...
kx said:
i got the computer, piano keyboard, apple care, and a year on .mac for 1700. they give student discounts
mx said:
wow. but i'm no longer a student
kx said:
got an id card?
mx said:
and i want one... like... now. not for nctc. i have one for the U of MN from 2003.
kx said:
...get one lol use that!
mx said:
haha they don't check it?
kx said:
they didn't check mine lol
mx said:
i mean, i know they don't for like movie theatre discounts and shit. fuckin right then. but I still don't have $1700. I have -$1000
kx said:
oh and a printer, but i get a rebate on that for free
mx said:
so jx better be feeling pretty generous when I get home... maybe if i rub it in that I paid that $90 utility bill, no questions asked.... i saw the blue man group! it was great
kx said:
lol. i go now. see you tomorrow i guess!