TWO YEARS AGO TODAY:

How to be a Small Town Slut.

Blowjobs.

First thing's first, you have to give blowjobs. Like, all the time. And you have to talk about giving blowjobs to your girlfriends on the bleachers at the baseball diamond. This trashy girl asked me if I ever gave a blowjob and I said no. I was thirteen. She cut me off and said she swallowed the cum and it tasted like salt. I asked if she would get pregnant and she looked up and to the left like she had no idea and went, "Um, no I am on my period now." She had a dirty backyard too and I almost stepped on a soiled diaper.

You have to have a dirty backyard if you want to be a small town slut.

Back to blowjobs. Now, we have all heard of a girl who gave some guy a blowjob in front of his buddies after he threw a blanket on her head. This is truly something to aspire to. Especially if she's doing it for weed.

Handjobs.

I know I've jumped the gun and went straight to blowjobs but still, a handjob is where it all begins. ((after french kissing)) and is quite essential in the mastering of ones craft.

You can't be shy. You can't have shame. You have to grab crotch.

Lean against those cinder blocks and take out his dick and spit on your hand and move it around all over the place. He's probably baked and shy and insecure of being a high school dropout. Really, he's romantic and has a big burning crush on you but still, he will be forced to tell all his friends about your shitty handjob.

This is a good thing, because then everyone will know you are a slutface and will invite you over to smoke weed in hopes of a handjob.

Being felt up.

Okay, I don't know what fucking show you used to watch or what novels you've read, but no one says "being felt up." ever.

I don't know what we say. Probably, "Oh, I grabbed her tits," or " I sucked her boobs."

Whatever.

That's just uncomfortable and boring most times because you have to look down at this loser trying to get you all hot by gently nipping at your under-developed nubbies and now he's seen your dirty shit-bra.

The only good thing about having your tits sucked is you get to hold your soda and your smoke and you don't have to do anything but wait for him to get a boner and then you can go to town on it.

Kissing.

You have to use your tongue. There is no question about it unless he knows you're super trash and wants to go straight to a blowjob.

This is fine.

If you want him to fall in love with you, you might want to but some hot breath action on his ear and make youre voice all throaty and go, "Damn, I wanna suck your cock so bad," or whatever dumb things you think of.

If you don't know how to kiss you are a tardbag and should probably stay indoors and wait until your parents bring you over to the relatives and let your uncle make eyes at you.

Brother's Friends.

You have to go down on your brother's friends and everyone who know everyone else.

Duh.

Kinkiness.

I'm not even going to tell you about this because small town guys can't handle it. They don't have the attention span nor staying power to let you talk dirty to them or hog-tie them. Whatever. Reserve your wild side for sugar daddies and fat men with money.

You'll thank me later.