the american league will have home field advantage at this years world series for the 10th consecutive year.

fucking right.

watched the game hella stoned at this dude's house that i work with. turns out he's fucking crazy. other dude i work with was telling me stories about how he's a crazy closet bisexual or something. i think he was trying to have a threeway with me and his obviously gay roommate. also, it was obvious that his roommate was the bitch of the relationship. i laughed.

then i got drunk at side bar. i got ditched for lou's when i hadn't finished my drink yet. drama was going down. i chilled on the street chatting it up with some cop. that was alright. his nametag said B. Davis. turns out his first name is ben.

hahaha. ben davis. whatever. it was cool.

then i ran into him with michael ann at the 7-eleven. we joked a bit. i think he was following me later and flashed his brights but didn't want to pull me over because he saw the minnesota plates and we had been talking about minnesota and i had my minnesota twinkies shirt on. it was cool.

i miss listening to his music. fuck prison.

MLB allstar game starts in 20 minutes. fuckin right.

later going to another work dude's place to watch the end of the game and apparently he's grilling steaks. i have a feeling he's kind of a slut. i haven't gotten any in a while ((okay, a week)) and really want to... but not with him.

i guess we'll see.

it's also weird because he looks a LOT like kennedy.

i just saw kennedy last night. whatever.

hal comes back from japan soon! huzzah! for some reason hal being in japan makes me think of peter pan. maybe because they can fly over there.

also, we get to go out for pizza tonight! another excuse to spend money i don't have. but i got a new ((better)) credit card so i can close out my old one. yay! i am officially almost on my feet! ((in a good way. not in a credit card debt way)) promise.

so when it originally went down, i was very suspicious of some kids i knew. marcus and taylor moseley. a few days later, marcus went to county for holding too much weed because of his dumb bitch girlfriend and the ridiculous amount of one-way streets. but seriously, read the signs dumb bitch.

however. taylor moseley has disappeared since the burning of the tomato. and what do you know. incriminating videos have surfaced. and he is a wanted man. oh, taylor...

the infinite possibilities each day holds should stagger the mind. the sheer number of experiences i could have is uncountable, breathtaking, and i'm sitting here refreshing my inbox. we live trapped in loops. reliving a few days over and over. and we envision only a handful of paths laid out ahead of us. we see the same things each day. we respond the same way. we think the same thoughts. each day a slight variation on the last. every moment smoothly following the gentle curves of societal norms. we act like if we just get through today, tomorrow our dreams will come back to us.

and no, i don't have all the answers. i don't know how to jolt myself into seeing what each moment could become. but i do know one thing: the solution doesn't involve watering down my every little idea and creative impulse for the sake of someday easing my fit into a mold. it doesn't involve tempering my life to better fit someone's expectations. it doesn't involve constantly holding back for fear of shaking things up. this is very important so i want to say it as clearly as i can.

fuck. that. shit.

okay, now i get it.

for some reason this last week without sex is KILLING me. daniel and i were discussing it. since when did boys STOP putting out?!?!? i used to be such a rare and appreciated commodity. seriously now. especially since i've now realized that the one dude i was really excited about fucking is completely uninterested. whatever. at least i got a free movie out of it?

daniel and tara the slut are fighting now which makes me slightly happy. not the part where i have to listen to all of her idoicy, but the part where i hate her.

is interblags a word? no? just checking.

also: ben kaufman. holy shit.

happy 100th post via blogger.

my favorite minnesotan in texas is naked in my shower.

tomorrow the blue stars will be at fauquier middle school. i giggle.

blue stars and madison are tied in drums. wow.

sometimes there just aren't enough mental problems.

jason told me today that he finds it extremely odd that outside of work i'm a total chain smoker, but i never nic-out at work or anything but i am always just chill.

i hate people that analyze me. just accept it.

and now i will rip on postsecret.



oh really? how about i am waiting for the day when people like you don't blame all of your problems on attractive persons like it's their fault. you are a piece of shit failure with no friends.



wow, really??? are you fucking ten years old?? this is your greatest biggest secret? you made a personalized postcard, went to all that artsy trouble to say this? but no one blah blah wah wah call your mom, baby. since when are your feelings other peoples' responsibility? suck it up dickbag.



haha, loser. maybe spend less time making ugly postcards ad more time meeting people not in yahoo chatrooms?!?

oh, and what's this? some genius somehow knew about this postcard before everyone else and already sent an email about it??

-----Email Message-----
Sent: Sunday, July 08, 2007 1:43 PM
Subject: awkward silence

i don't know how to have conversations either.

we should talk sometime.



thanks for letting the world be privy to how fucking sad your guys are.

hi, i don't know how to do anything because i am a lazy annoying turd! help me postsecret!



because you are completely incapable getting laid in real life.



way to go mr. break-my-dad's-heart and future in telemarketing.



hey! look everyone! it's an in-denial diabetic! you know what, fuckface? say good bye your vision! my friend's dad is blind now and his wife has to drive him to work everyday in his fancy sportscar because he is blind in both mother fucking eyes!



by avoiding bring-down yin yang drawing douchebags like you.



haha. burn.



oh, fucking burn in hell you asshole piece of shit scum. secrets like these should be mailed back to the wife. fuck this arrogant shamless dick.



thanks for boring the shit out of me and wasting everyone's time.



throw it out before he sees it you dink!



good. fuck hippies.



this picture makes me giggle.

went to the bar with michael ann and michael. told them the ridiculous dramas of the prior evening. then homeboy showed up looking radiant as ever ((which i have decided i should start saying because that's a cool thing that raggedy old men say sometimes)) with another og cat. chilled at his place a bit later. then shit was weird. and now she texts me to make sure we weren't fucking or something?!?!? i don't know. i'm about to drop this thing entirely.

the nasty lake i swam in as a kid is filled with toxic algae. dogs and children are dying.

twins owned the chisox in today's doubleheader.

jim thome owned michael redmond in game two's bat-to-the-header. painful.

mauer replaced him and matt garza was moved to 8 in the lineup. first time a pitcher has been at-bat in the AL since 2000. he struck out and left the field laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. i laughed too.

morneau homered three times. go justin!

last night was... uhh... wow...

at least now i know that it is a flaming sack of drama that i probably shouldn't be involved with.

but i saw live free die hard. it was pretty fucking awesome.

happy 4th i guess.

watched the saddest fireworks display ever. everything is bigger in texas, except on national holidays...

came home. dan called.

dan says:

hey, i just got out of the hospital...

mengtar says:

WHAT?!?!?!?

dan says:

no, my brother is having a baby.

mengtar says:

uh.... what?

dan says:

his wife.

mengtar says:

ohh...

we chilled at jupiter. some ridiculous hipster punks sat at the table next to us but were to arrogant to talk to us until a crazy possibly slightly mentally challenged guy came over talking about how he wants to start a punk/metal band. they were giving him a ridiculous hard time. but then he kept talking. here are some dumb things:

kind of like green day. i mean, they made punk mainstream...

i kind of want to go to LA. it's so big. have you ever seen it on a map? it's so big! do you have a map?

people in compton are mean. i read the Times. 14 year olds get shot there every day. if i went to compton and people were mean, i would just leave.

that was almost my only entertainment of the night.

but then chong showed up. he disappeared in January after he went crazy in someone's closet or something. but he kept trying to drink with me at hooligans. eventually i stopped by. i had an itch on my foot so i scratched it with the sandal on my other foot. apparantly that foot was rubbing on his foot so he tried playing footsie for a good half hour as he was making me drink beer. that escalated to him rubbing my leg and me pushing him away and then insisting that i receive a back massage. eventually adam walked in the door and i gave him a look. he put his ear to my mouth and i said "please save me" to which he replied "do you like shots do you want to do a shot let's do a shot"

it was cool because it was one sentence just like that.

AND i got a free shot out of it! haha. but then he mildly hit on me but it could have been part of the act which i was more than okay with, because he was FAR better than chong.

then he escorted me out the door and gave me a well-deserved kiss on the cheek. it was a good time...

not really. i miss john.

i have such great memories of so many chinese restaurants from the past four years of drum corps independence days.

makes me miss him even more. today is a lonely day.

last night was a little out there. if only i had brought my camera. i've gotten bad about that.

there was a couch that smelled like fish.
50 cent wells at side bar.
drunken text messages.
godly jack in the box.
a short nap outside the theatre.
we woke up michael ann's new neighbors at 3am by throwing rocks at their windows so we could meet carlos the stoned tattoo artist.
a walk to jupiter where i stole a glass that was ours all along.
and i saw a dude i used to work with whose name i couldn't remember but he noticed that i lost weight and he liked my hair. people i barely know should do that more often. just be like "hey, good to see you, you look great, bye". a very efficient conversation.

john is sleeping with her. i hate thinking about it, but it's not like i'm reserving myself either. i hate that i have double standards about everything... sometimes. when he comes to denton, i need to tell him everything. but it was comforting because i knew that he is finally being honest about what is going on. but my biggest fear is still that it will turn into more than just two friends fucking and trying to survive the summer and that he will come back and not want to be with me. biggest fear.

spiders have nothing on that one.

my favorite drunk food and hangover food is kfc. even though i woke up this morning feeling and looking skinnier, i'm weighing out significantly more. whatever, i still need some kfc.

so i went on a date with this dude from work. i thought it would blow, but he ended up being a lot cooler than he usually is at work. turns out we have a lot in common. he likes baseball and loves the mars volta and is mildly entertained with video games. we shared stories. i got a kiss on the cheek. the end.

chilled with the homies afterwards at jupiter house. still drunk. saw a dude i know there again. he took down my number.

mike and travis drove me home.

dude called. i went over. had some pretty awesome sex. twice. i slept for an hour and a half and then had to go to work. gross.

transformers is out. and i'm too tired. i=lame.

after all of my valiant efforts of avoiding dates with too many guys, i finally gave in. but that means nothing.

i'm going to hooligans tonight with jason, a dude i work with. he had been quite persistent. however, he was also supposed to call me last night. he claims he texted me. i don't know. but i might need to call dan or mike to come crash my date if it comes down to it.

i miss this kid.

one of the dudes from lou's last night ((also possibly a jason)) came into the olive garden today. asked me out. i said no. apparently he lives a few houses down from michael ann's new house. i hope i didn't start neighborhood awkwardness.

i saw mike and ronnie at lou's last night also. i watched them play foosball through the window. apparently ronnie won an old NES system. congrats to him.

forgetting everything would make this so much easier. if i could just go a day without thinking about it. just to be normal.

i think mike hid the scale. i don't know how much i weigh. which might be a good thing right now.

obsess much?

dan has a goal of hooking me up with every barely eligible guy in denton. so far he is 0-4. not the best record, even worse than my fantasy baseball stats.

one was two days ago at jupiter. he told me i was hot and adorable all night and that i should drink at his place ((even though it was already 3am.)) ten minutes later he started talking about his 2 year old son. uhh... no. then he started talking to this guy that walked out of the coffee shop. i turned around and it was walker. a former black eyed pea bartender. i asked walker if i should go over to his place. he laughed a bit and said that he was looking out for his girl, and i should definitely not go over. i laughed.

the last one was last night at ur moms after we did the fry-street crawl for mike and big momma's birthdays. at least he has good taste in the appearance spectrum. this guy was okay in his pick-up lines. later vic, a former movie tavern cook, came to the bar to say hi. i started talking to him and dan's pick pulls me over and whispers in my ear, "babe, you're too adorable to be talking to niggers." to which i reply "that's why we don't hang out." turns out he had spent the last five years in prison. later i made travis save me to get me the fuck away from that guy. i saw a bunch of movie tavern people that remembered me and it was cool. drank lots. the end.

michael ann and i came upon a striking discovery today. one: italics are okay. two: drinking at the house is LAME.

so after a drink, we went out to lou's.

played the ring toss game with a couple guys and they bought us drinks. it was alright. even though they were also slightly lame but not quite as lame as the people i live with. but whatever. it was company and free drinks.