last night i tried my paws at a device i had only recently heard of... the neti pot. i wonder why it had never been introduced to me in my horribly congested upbringing. it's a tiny tea pot you fill with a saline solution and pour into one nostril with your head cocked while all of your nasal nastiness drips out the other... very charming, especially when your head isn't turned far enough and it spills into the back of your throat.



HIIIGHLY recommended, and also endorsed by this guy.

in other recent news, i have switched banks to one with better lighting and free popcorn, because these are the things that are important to me.



oh, hey guys. has it been raining? i suppose you want to come inside.



uhh... wait...



let's talk about this...



((closes door))

there are two argentinian boys that live down the street. they are five and seven. they visit me every day. i hide from them every other day. i get caught every other other day.

lx said:

did you know that i'm a jedi master?

mx said:

no you're not, lx, you haven't even mastered the force yet, probably because you're five. i haven't even mastered the force and i'm seven. you'd probably have to be at least ten to be a jedi master.


also, they are both left handed. luke skywalker is left handed. age seven math, with left hands, you will be jedi masters.



they are quite impressive.

i think i need to be in a library to be at all productive. being at home with papers to write and studying to do is just too difficult. i just end up watching law & order: criminal intent until my eyes burn.

special note: i don't watch it because it's good, but only because i've already seen every episode of special victims unit and plain bagel & order isn't on netflix.



and crossword puzzles? don't get me started.



le sigh.

i knew my phlebotomist today. we used to work together at og. we talked about things that are boring. i don't think he was allowed to laugh at my jokes on account of the lab coat.

GAH! i could use seven or so beers right now.

unfortunately i'm running the earth day half-marathon. sobriety for the environment. it makes more sense on paper.

you can fold a trope nine times, because they are not made out of paper. that's just where you put them.

fi fy fo fum...

i went to work and played with dogs for dollars.

i planted an avocado. i plan to have my own avocado forest by the time i leave for south america. i hope it becomes an invasive species and i am eventually named in a science textbook.

goals are important.



i have finally taught ari to "speak" on command. eventually they will be able to howl on the command "mengtar will now take your questions" which will be difficult because they will need to be holding a microphone and lack opposable thumbs. by this time science will owe me a payback for all of those avocados they're eating.

in recent news, i discovered that px was secretly living as an underground rapper.



be impressed.

oh, hey, hi, remember this? typing? abcs and qwerts?




remember these assholes?

it's been a few haircuts since last time.




but don't worry, i've grown up approximately zero.



i was awakened from an afternoon nap ((4-hour)) by a drop-in from rx. we caught up on life and things over a cigarette. his mom used to live in the house next to mine where our current neighbors live with their house of lies and horrible children and ugly dogs and broken tree that has not been proven to be my fault beyond a reasonable doubt...

also, i've been trying to catch the mouse in my kitchen so i can release it through one of their air vents. ((jokes, denton police department, jokes)) --safety dance.



smug as a bug on a santa monica peir.

i've been trying to work on jokes about joke books. so far i've been unsuccessful. but i make myself laugh each time, and i think i must count as at least two people, not to mention that i've heard the joke already when i rehearsed it in my bathroom mirror this morning. twice.



i must be done procrastinating the finishing of my paper on this poem:

Why I Am Not a Painter

I am not a painter, I am a poet.
Why? I think I would rather be
a painter, but I am not. Well,

for instance, Mike Goldberg
is starting a painting. I drop in.
"Sit down and have a drink" he
says. I drink; we drink. I look
up. "You have SARDINES in it."
"Yes, it needed something there."
"Oh." I go and the days go by
and I drop in again. The painting
is going on, and I go, and the days
go by. I drop in. The painting is
finished. "Where's SARDINES?"
All that's left is just
letters, "It was too much," Mike says.

But me? One day I am thinking of
a color: orange. I write a line
about orange. Pretty soon it is a
whole page of words, not lines.
Then another page. There should be
so much more, not of orange, of
words, of how terrible orange is
and life. Days go by. It is even in
prose, I am a real poet. My poem
is finished and I haven't mentioned
orange yet. It's twelve poems, I call
it ORANGES. And one day in a gallery
I see Mike's painting, called SARDINES.
--Frank O'Hara



--megfergi out!

also, there is this.



tambien, hay esto.

let's welcome me back with a concert analysis.



tonight was a kill for the kingdom show. if you remember the homeboy, you remember a lot. too much. you have a hit on you as we speak. you will be tracked down be an angry woman in a new ((to her)) bicicleta.





step one: welcome me back.

step two: concert analysis.

BAND #1: THE DESCENDANTS



i think the drummer for the descendants is a mediocre musician so far but might be naked... it's more comfortable for everyone that way.

guitarist wears berkenstocks, bassist shined his dress shoes, drummer is naked, texas metal at its second best.

the lead singer violently threw his water bottle to the stage floor. this song means business. wait... are those PAisTe cymbals?

i was sooo over these guys before they even began.

i want to pat them each on the head and send them back to the garage they came from.

"do you guys want more?" 3/50 said yes. it was a girl-haired dictatorship. put your scrunchies back in and get off stage.

BAND #2: SILVER TONGUE DEVIL




singer: starts with an epic monologue holding a staff and wearing gauntlets. welcome to Metal. Capital M.

guitar 1: camouflage shorts and a UNT accounting fraternity t-shirt.

guitar 2: camouflage pants.

sound check: decent. it starts.

((i hope my boyfriend doesn't own camouflage pants...))

if the tongue moves as fast as your drummer's singles, you must have happy ladies... despite the camouflage pants.

"if you don't like what you've heard, YOUR MOTHER SUCKS DONGS IN HEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!"

BAND #3: KILL FOR THE KINGDOM

have i told you that i love you?






this is why i can only go to sooo many metal shows...

((love everyone))

welcome back, how do you feel about horse puns?



final score:

mengtar 26
aax 20


mengtar said:

well then i will call you when i get home. it'll be great. neighther of us will remember. i don't know why i spelled it like that. we"ll call it horseplay on words... puntastic.

aax said:

good thing we're in a stable relationship, otherwise these puns you've saddled me with might be a hurdle.

mengtar said:

wow. outpunned. outpunned by the government. don't bridle me with all this responsibility.

aax said:

i guess i just needed some sleep deprivation to stirup some creativity. that's my mane theory. i'll hoof it over there for my prize.




mengtar said:

hurry up and you might catch the tail end of it. you oat it to me anyway... hay! where'd you go?

aax said:

stop foaling around. i'm trying to work. do i seem like more of a stud when i make puns with you?

mengtar said:

i just really want you to be here with me. pony up the dough and visit me!

aax said:

i didn't know if you were out or if you were stallion.

mengtar said:

i'm still out on the town, just gallopvanting around. can i ask you an equestrian?

aax said:

crappaloosa. i was saving "pony up".

mengtar said:

jockeys or boxers? sorry, i can't continue with this conversation. i mustang with my friends. please don't blow up like an arabian.

aax said:

okay, these are getting a little hairy.



mengtar said:

it's so loud in here that my voice is getting horse from all this texting. that's a stretch.

aax said:

canter we do better?

mengtar said:

that was pretty bad. i might have to put you down for that one...

aax said:

sorry, i'm trailing off.

mengtar said:

i hope you don't give me the colt shoulder later. hold on, we're stopping for food. i need some seabiscuits.

aax said:

bring me some chipotle with pinto beans and all is forgiven.

mengtar said:

they're called shetlands, that's horseshoe!

aax said:

seabiscuits are a quarterhorse apiece.

mengtar said:

i tried calling you at work, but your secretariate wouldn't answer. derby an asshole! that pun sucked, but i'll love you furlong time. i'll love you furlong time, but i'm worried about your track record. i have enough horsepower to go all night!

aax said:

fuck you. i was just using furlong.

mengtar said:

that last one was pretty good, i need to chomp on this a bit.

aax said:

let's do it. i'm hot to trot. (that one was a little lame)

mengtar said:

there were soo many crazywhores out tonight...

aax said:

that's a native american pun!

mengtar said:

there's not enough glue to hold that pun together.

aax said:

i was going to pick up milk on my way home, but they didn't have any that was pastureized. seriously though, your puns are getting out there. reign it in a little.

mengtar said:

if you can't come down here soon, can i caballo a ticket?

aax said:

i don't know what that one means. are you just feeding me bull crop?

mengtar said:

check your translator.




aax said:

okay, that's not farrier.

what a productive day:

didn't puke during my exam
took a recovery nap
made 24 paper cranes
washed my sheets
showered
late-night home-cooked meal with k-hox
made another paper crane
hung up the scissors

look out, world!

((i think my foot is swollen))

fuck. there are a couple coffeehome assholes annoying me with groundbreaking save the world business. try seed patents, you fucking hippie. that's where it starts.



on my way to the bar last night, i almost hit a dog. but it's okay, because someone else already did.




meet princess mingo post bath-and-a-haircut.



lx says she's a schnauzer. i nodded.



after removing the rope from around her neck and all of her knots and mattes and facial blood from her hair.... she looks much more charming.

she can sit and shake. neither barks nor minds baths and grooming.



any takers?



((despite this photo, i promise, she's not ACTUALLY a ghost-dog))

i have been avoiding dates with theoriginalax for quite some time now. i typically run into him at a bar once a week, we schedule for friday night, and then i quickly make plans with someone else.

tonight is no different.

i have been called on official duty to mAx's to help finish the keg from his party. i dont have a choice but to accept the honor of being able to compete in these drinking game olympics.

i'm sorry, theoriginalax, duty called. it's out of my hands.

so i just left the union building. i was there to print a paper. i had forgotten my flash drive at home, so i just emailed it myself and figured i could quickly reformat it before printing.

worst.reformat.ofmylife.

at home, i still use windows 97 or something. i still exit to dos. and i still have to write a code every time i open a program.

also, it may be important to know that you are not allowed much time on these computers. you are allowed to upload, review, and print.

so... hypothetically... if the print store only uses microsoft turbo office from 2046, coincidentally the same year as the invention of the radiation vaccine, and it takes me 15 minutes to figure out how to double-space... i may or may not have drawn some attention...

update: i was scolded.

this is the mayor of waffle house. i am his public relations representative. any questions you may have regarding his political platforms can be directed to me.



i was sent home from work by jx for having a small stain on the shoulder of my shirt. i was told to go to wal-mart to buy a new shirt. instead i drove home, splashed some bleach on it, had a beer, checked the mail, took a poop, and returned.

jx, don't even think that the mayor isn't going to find out about this.

with only 8 minutes of hot water in my shower, i haven't shaved... a thing... in the two months i've lived in this apartment... i tried yesterday. after the necessary washings, i was left with enough hot water to shave one leg with an old razor. it's really pretty difficult to tell the difference.



thanks to k-hox, we are no longer allowed to play darts at hooligans. and thanks to me, we are no longer allowed in most other bars for fear of running into boys i'd rather not see but will undoubtedly insist on conversation. we're going out again tonight. great.

Actual questions and answers for my Texas State Government homework:

3. Find the list of items prohibited from air travel in the domestic United States. Select five of your favorites and list them here:

Meat Cleavers
Swords
Cricket Bats
Spear Guns
Ice Axes

4. Take two of these items and attempt to explain the logic behind banning them. It might prove useful to compare and contrast two different banned or approved items, or rely upon the explanations regarding liquid bans in your answer.

Meat cleavers are banned from airplanes, as opposed to nail clippers, because they could be used for bloody massacres much more easily than their miniature counterparts. Cricket bats are banned from airplanes, because nobody plays that game in the domestic United States. Anyone carrying said bat would obviously be using it as a blunt instrument of violence.

((welcome to college))

hi. hello.

k-hox, mAx, and i drinkdrankdrunk at 8ball last night which was followed by a verbal ((not oral)) love-fest of us gushing over how much we love our dogs.

NOOOO I LOVE YOOOUUURRRR DOGS MORE!!

STETSON IS ONLY SOORT OF RETARDEED I'M DRUNK BLEAEERRRRGHHHHHH

k-hox said:

wow, we might as well have been rolling last night.

no pool, but 2 never-ending games of darts and a celebrity double-bull shot from ktrix.

k-trix grabbed a dart, said:

what are you shooting for?

mengtar said:

bulls, 16 and 17.

k-trix shoots double bull, said:

yeah, i play some darts.


have you met stetson? allow me to continue gushing about my dog.

ahem.

the lament of stetson:







((fin))

this is typically such an un-chatty place. preferably un-chatty.

until this afternoon. fucking everyone.

didn't i just see you at the rec?

no, i sweat this much at all times.

i had to wash my hands three times to get the paint from under my nails.

i'm sorry, were we having a prior conversation?

can you watch this while i stand over here?

no one is going to steal your ugly art project! take your tissue paper and smelly tempera paint out of my coffee shop and out of my life!

mengtar said:

how would you like your steak cooked?

guestx said:

what?

mengtar said:

i'll put you down for "strategically." think you can handle that?

sometimes it becomes difficult to keep up with friends, school work, or social obligations. but you know it's bad when you can no longer keep up with your own body hair.

does anyone else get a high from nasal spray? i'm rocking big mike's for this post-bar evening-morning and i wish i had brought it with me for less than healthy reasons.

i'm sitting at a very wobbly table. you know the kind. i rest my arms on it and the stranger across the table shoots me a "why did you invade my space" type of glare. honestly, i didn't even ask. he's sitting next to the only available outlet that doesn't catch the draft every time the door swings open. i've been here too many times. i know these things. but i've been typing too heavy and quickly and he won't stop staring in an "i might pull my .22" sort of way... i'm going to go to the bathroom and when i return my things will either be smashed or lonely.

welcome to post-bar denton.

friday, it was mentioned within an hour of the start of the day, and i unintentionally ignored it until the following morning.

my only thought on saturday was, "that wasn't bad, a passing day like any other."

now two days later, out in public surrounded by routine and familiarity, it punches me in the face.



two years later: kyle, i still love you.



i'll be outside smoking in the dark, so no one can see me cry.