how to be awesome ((make banana bread))

special note: this is a double-loaf recipe. there is no point in making just one loaf of banana bread, because the guy you're sleeping with will eat some before he leaves your house in the morning and by the time you get off work, your roommates will have eaten the rest. let's stick with two.

one of the most important parts of banana bread is it's bananas. usually, if there is an ingredient listed in the name of the food you're making... it's important. ((TATERTOT hotdish... requires tatertots...))



let's go with 7 ripe bananas. if i give you recipe with an odd numbered ingredient ((not half-able)) then you won't go making single-loaf on me. also, they have to be overly ripened. you can tell if a banana is overly ripened because the brown to yellow ratio is in the brown's favor. no. cheating. allowed.

((i assure you, the bottom half of my bananas have a higher yellow:brown ratio than the top half. you are allowed to take the average.))



peel your bananas. you should be about half-way through your first beer by now.



add a cup of melted butter. if you pre-gamed your baking, i will simplify by assuring you that two sticks of butter is one cup. you don't have to check google. learn from my mistakes.

also, some people like to use substitutions in their baking. like applesauce instead of oil or butter or margarine. get over yourself and just read the recipe. if you're fat then maybe you should be eating celery sticks and walking your dog rather than eating banana bread. i should start an advice column.

mash your bananas with a wooden spoon. if you check your wooden spoon drawer and none of your roommates have washed the dishes and you are out of wooden spoons and spatulas and rubber spatulas and wire wisks ((bad idea for everything but eggs)) then you can use a blender. mixers are overrated.



if the blender lid is also dirty, plates will do.

pour your banana puree back into your mixing bowl. you can't use the blender for everything, lazies!



the next step is... ((oh, yeah)) eggs! let me lecture you on the importance of not using rotten eggs... don't. also, clean out your fridge if you have rotten eggs... they're probably not alone.



add two eggs. the addition of eggs to any recipe is the only acceptable time to use a wire wisk... except for that time i made green beans... whatever. we will go over that next time.

pour some sugar in. i don't remember how much. let's go with one and a half cups... if you use the metric system, this equals 3 liters. ((also, fuck you))



this is also a great time to stand back and admire your mess. if you haven't made a mess, throw it away and start over. you're doing something wrong.



another ingredient ((almost as important as bananas)) is baking powder... i think... it's the one in the yellow box that arm and hammer makes... maybe it's baking soda... whatever, i'm over it. sprinkle some of that on there... let's go with 2 teaspoons. ((again, if you use the metric system, this is also 3 liters. we're just silly like that... also, fuck you))

this is also a good point to look at yourself and ask if you're really in the group that should be eating banana bread or eating celery sticks... maybe i should have some celery sticks... and get a haircut...

also, wear a scarf. that helps.



3 cups of flour... yep.

some people like to add miscellaneous flavor-somes to their banana breads, as if bread flavored like bananas isn't good enough. whatever. he's cute.

add nuts or chocolate chips or cranberries or pieces of a calendar. ((dates... amelia bedelia reference... whatever))

not raisins! raisins aren't allowed. if you want to add raisins, you should go eat some celery sticks instead... then kill yourself.



bake it at 350 degrees for an hour. for higher altitudes or people using the metric system, bake it at 3 liters for a week... ((wait... they used the gregorian calendar before we existed?? whatever))