also, there is this.



tambien, hay esto.

let's welcome me back with a concert analysis.



tonight was a kill for the kingdom show. if you remember the homeboy, you remember a lot. too much. you have a hit on you as we speak. you will be tracked down be an angry woman in a new ((to her)) bicicleta.





step one: welcome me back.

step two: concert analysis.

BAND #1: THE DESCENDANTS



i think the drummer for the descendants is a mediocre musician so far but might be naked... it's more comfortable for everyone that way.

guitarist wears berkenstocks, bassist shined his dress shoes, drummer is naked, texas metal at its second best.

the lead singer violently threw his water bottle to the stage floor. this song means business. wait... are those PAisTe cymbals?

i was sooo over these guys before they even began.

i want to pat them each on the head and send them back to the garage they came from.

"do you guys want more?" 3/50 said yes. it was a girl-haired dictatorship. put your scrunchies back in and get off stage.

BAND #2: SILVER TONGUE DEVIL




singer: starts with an epic monologue holding a staff and wearing gauntlets. welcome to Metal. Capital M.

guitar 1: camouflage shorts and a UNT accounting fraternity t-shirt.

guitar 2: camouflage pants.

sound check: decent. it starts.

((i hope my boyfriend doesn't own camouflage pants...))

if the tongue moves as fast as your drummer's singles, you must have happy ladies... despite the camouflage pants.

"if you don't like what you've heard, YOUR MOTHER SUCKS DONGS IN HEEEEELLLLLLLL!!!!!"

BAND #3: KILL FOR THE KINGDOM

have i told you that i love you?






this is why i can only go to sooo many metal shows...

((love everyone))

welcome back, how do you feel about horse puns?



final score:

mengtar 26
aax 20


mengtar said:

well then i will call you when i get home. it'll be great. neighther of us will remember. i don't know why i spelled it like that. we"ll call it horseplay on words... puntastic.

aax said:

good thing we're in a stable relationship, otherwise these puns you've saddled me with might be a hurdle.

mengtar said:

wow. outpunned. outpunned by the government. don't bridle me with all this responsibility.

aax said:

i guess i just needed some sleep deprivation to stirup some creativity. that's my mane theory. i'll hoof it over there for my prize.




mengtar said:

hurry up and you might catch the tail end of it. you oat it to me anyway... hay! where'd you go?

aax said:

stop foaling around. i'm trying to work. do i seem like more of a stud when i make puns with you?

mengtar said:

i just really want you to be here with me. pony up the dough and visit me!

aax said:

i didn't know if you were out or if you were stallion.

mengtar said:

i'm still out on the town, just gallopvanting around. can i ask you an equestrian?

aax said:

crappaloosa. i was saving "pony up".

mengtar said:

jockeys or boxers? sorry, i can't continue with this conversation. i mustang with my friends. please don't blow up like an arabian.

aax said:

okay, these are getting a little hairy.



mengtar said:

it's so loud in here that my voice is getting horse from all this texting. that's a stretch.

aax said:

canter we do better?

mengtar said:

that was pretty bad. i might have to put you down for that one...

aax said:

sorry, i'm trailing off.

mengtar said:

i hope you don't give me the colt shoulder later. hold on, we're stopping for food. i need some seabiscuits.

aax said:

bring me some chipotle with pinto beans and all is forgiven.

mengtar said:

they're called shetlands, that's horseshoe!

aax said:

seabiscuits are a quarterhorse apiece.

mengtar said:

i tried calling you at work, but your secretariate wouldn't answer. derby an asshole! that pun sucked, but i'll love you furlong time. i'll love you furlong time, but i'm worried about your track record. i have enough horsepower to go all night!

aax said:

fuck you. i was just using furlong.

mengtar said:

that last one was pretty good, i need to chomp on this a bit.

aax said:

let's do it. i'm hot to trot. (that one was a little lame)

mengtar said:

there were soo many crazywhores out tonight...

aax said:

that's a native american pun!

mengtar said:

there's not enough glue to hold that pun together.

aax said:

i was going to pick up milk on my way home, but they didn't have any that was pastureized. seriously though, your puns are getting out there. reign it in a little.

mengtar said:

if you can't come down here soon, can i caballo a ticket?

aax said:

i don't know what that one means. are you just feeding me bull crop?

mengtar said:

check your translator.




aax said:

okay, that's not farrier.

what a productive day:

didn't puke during my exam
took a recovery nap
made 24 paper cranes
washed my sheets
showered
late-night home-cooked meal with k-hox
made another paper crane
hung up the scissors

look out, world!

((i think my foot is swollen))

fuck. there are a couple coffeehome assholes annoying me with groundbreaking save the world business. try seed patents, you fucking hippie. that's where it starts.



on my way to the bar last night, i almost hit a dog. but it's okay, because someone else already did.




meet princess mingo post bath-and-a-haircut.



lx says she's a schnauzer. i nodded.



after removing the rope from around her neck and all of her knots and mattes and facial blood from her hair.... she looks much more charming.

she can sit and shake. neither barks nor minds baths and grooming.



any takers?



((despite this photo, i promise, she's not ACTUALLY a ghost-dog))

i have been avoiding dates with theoriginalax for quite some time now. i typically run into him at a bar once a week, we schedule for friday night, and then i quickly make plans with someone else.

tonight is no different.

i have been called on official duty to mAx's to help finish the keg from his party. i dont have a choice but to accept the honor of being able to compete in these drinking game olympics.

i'm sorry, theoriginalax, duty called. it's out of my hands.

so i just left the union building. i was there to print a paper. i had forgotten my flash drive at home, so i just emailed it myself and figured i could quickly reformat it before printing.

worst.reformat.ofmylife.

at home, i still use windows 97 or something. i still exit to dos. and i still have to write a code every time i open a program.

also, it may be important to know that you are not allowed much time on these computers. you are allowed to upload, review, and print.

so... hypothetically... if the print store only uses microsoft turbo office from 2046, coincidentally the same year as the invention of the radiation vaccine, and it takes me 15 minutes to figure out how to double-space... i may or may not have drawn some attention...

update: i was scolded.

this is the mayor of waffle house. i am his public relations representative. any questions you may have regarding his political platforms can be directed to me.



i was sent home from work by jx for having a small stain on the shoulder of my shirt. i was told to go to wal-mart to buy a new shirt. instead i drove home, splashed some bleach on it, had a beer, checked the mail, took a poop, and returned.

jx, don't even think that the mayor isn't going to find out about this.

with only 8 minutes of hot water in my shower, i haven't shaved... a thing... in the two months i've lived in this apartment... i tried yesterday. after the necessary washings, i was left with enough hot water to shave one leg with an old razor. it's really pretty difficult to tell the difference.



thanks to k-hox, we are no longer allowed to play darts at hooligans. and thanks to me, we are no longer allowed in most other bars for fear of running into boys i'd rather not see but will undoubtedly insist on conversation. we're going out again tonight. great.

Actual questions and answers for my Texas State Government homework:

3. Find the list of items prohibited from air travel in the domestic United States. Select five of your favorites and list them here:

Meat Cleavers
Swords
Cricket Bats
Spear Guns
Ice Axes

4. Take two of these items and attempt to explain the logic behind banning them. It might prove useful to compare and contrast two different banned or approved items, or rely upon the explanations regarding liquid bans in your answer.

Meat cleavers are banned from airplanes, as opposed to nail clippers, because they could be used for bloody massacres much more easily than their miniature counterparts. Cricket bats are banned from airplanes, because nobody plays that game in the domestic United States. Anyone carrying said bat would obviously be using it as a blunt instrument of violence.

((welcome to college))

hi. hello.

k-hox, mAx, and i drinkdrankdrunk at 8ball last night which was followed by a verbal ((not oral)) love-fest of us gushing over how much we love our dogs.

NOOOO I LOVE YOOOUUURRRR DOGS MORE!!

STETSON IS ONLY SOORT OF RETARDEED I'M DRUNK BLEAEERRRRGHHHHHH

k-hox said:

wow, we might as well have been rolling last night.

no pool, but 2 never-ending games of darts and a celebrity double-bull shot from ktrix.

k-trix grabbed a dart, said:

what are you shooting for?

mengtar said:

bulls, 16 and 17.

k-trix shoots double bull, said:

yeah, i play some darts.


have you met stetson? allow me to continue gushing about my dog.

ahem.

the lament of stetson:







((fin))

this is typically such an un-chatty place. preferably un-chatty.

until this afternoon. fucking everyone.

didn't i just see you at the rec?

no, i sweat this much at all times.

i had to wash my hands three times to get the paint from under my nails.

i'm sorry, were we having a prior conversation?

can you watch this while i stand over here?

no one is going to steal your ugly art project! take your tissue paper and smelly tempera paint out of my coffee shop and out of my life!

mengtar said:

how would you like your steak cooked?

guestx said:

what?

mengtar said:

i'll put you down for "strategically." think you can handle that?

sometimes it becomes difficult to keep up with friends, school work, or social obligations. but you know it's bad when you can no longer keep up with your own body hair.

does anyone else get a high from nasal spray? i'm rocking big mike's for this post-bar evening-morning and i wish i had brought it with me for less than healthy reasons.

i'm sitting at a very wobbly table. you know the kind. i rest my arms on it and the stranger across the table shoots me a "why did you invade my space" type of glare. honestly, i didn't even ask. he's sitting next to the only available outlet that doesn't catch the draft every time the door swings open. i've been here too many times. i know these things. but i've been typing too heavy and quickly and he won't stop staring in an "i might pull my .22" sort of way... i'm going to go to the bathroom and when i return my things will either be smashed or lonely.

welcome to post-bar denton.

friday, it was mentioned within an hour of the start of the day, and i unintentionally ignored it until the following morning.

my only thought on saturday was, "that wasn't bad, a passing day like any other."

now two days later, out in public surrounded by routine and familiarity, it punches me in the face.



two years later: kyle, i still love you.



i'll be outside smoking in the dark, so no one can see me cry.

i wanted to start this post with a title, but i'm not sure what it would have been... the hippie dialogues? my evening ((or so)) with a hippie?

friday evening was one like any other. drinks with co-workers and whathaveyou, until i received a telephone call from an unfortunate hippie that i had sworn off upon the discovery of his age: 36, employment: un, and living situation: with dad. no, no, and no.

however, after several weeks of dodging voicemails and social scenes, he calls with materials of bribery. i am not above taking bribes.

so we hang out with his hippie friends in their hippie house and engage in activities such as drinking, shadow dancing, and snowball fights.

post-party we make it back to my apartment, but, before any late-night activities ensue, he proceeds to vomit... everywhere. i woke up to him puking all over my bathroom. i woke up to him puking all over my kitchen sink. i woke up to him puking in my roommate's bathroom ((which is across the apartment, though i have a bathroom attached to the bedroom we are both sleeping in)).

bitch, you're 36! pull yourself together!

i'm not used to my tricks still being over the following morning, so i tried a scheme introduced to me by a co-worker... t-wex. ((sound it out; how adorable is that?))

mengtar said:

((ready to go, in work uniform, apron, and all))
alright, well i have to work at 11 ((lie)), so i should probably bring you back to your car...

worthlesshippiex said:

i don't think i can handle a car-ride right now.

mengtar said:

well... you're going to have to.

worthlesshippiex said:

bleeaauuuurrghhhhh..... ((runs to the bathroom, catching puke in his hands and shirt along the way))

((le sigh))


after this, i am forced to fake-call in sick to work. i've never called in sick to work, let alone FAKE-called in sick to work.

fucking hippies.

an hour or so goes by and my friends are slowly figuring out how desperate i am to get out of this painfully awkward situation of baby sitting a grown man. someone my dad's age... had my dad had a child at age twelve... okay, well at least someone of the age that my dad might hang out with. whatever. k-bitchx calls and invites me to lunch at noon.

immediately before our lunch date, i have the EXACT same conversation with the hippie, and he again proceeds running to the bathroom catching vomit in his hands, beard, and chest hair.

i can't even handle this.

((exit mengtar.))

((enter mengtar at mr. chopstix, a local hippie chinese food restaurant))

k-bitchx said:

well, of course he's unemployed! he's a hippie! what did you expect?

mengtar said:

what?!?? we're at chopstix! look at all of these employed hippies! paying their income taxes like champs! this is the hippie employment epicenter!


post-lunch i am forced to avoid my apartment at ALL costs. this includes bribing the infamous homeboy with a mocha shake with peanut butter into entering ground zero/hippie cove to gather my necessities.

homeboy said:

okay, so what all do you need me to grab?

mengtar said:

uhh... let me make you a list...
((pulls out ONE crumpled post-it note from her coat pocket, seemingly saved for JUST the occasion...))
hair-straigtener, hair product, face wash, pumas.... phone charger...

homeboy said:

where is the phone charger?

mengtar said:

uhh... it's plugged into the wall... on the other side of the bed... okay, that one is optional.

((LOVE))

here's a lull in the story. boreboreboreboreboreborebore...

((enter mengtar in dallas, 11pmish, with t-wex and company))

worthlesshippiex said:

so, i'm still at your apartment and i'm starting to worry...

drunklor mengtar said:

go home!

t-wex said:

this is mengtar's landlord, and, unless you plan on paying january's rent, you should exit the premises, or the local authorities will be contacted. that's right! the denton po-po, bitch!

worthlesshippiex said:

i already walked home after the fucked up texts, didn't want to leave the door unlocked. guess i didn't expect you to leave me there all day. thanks a lot.



le sigh... what the fuck did you want me to do? wait around for you to stop puking all over my apartment? meanwhile, i was buying stock in febreze and 409 spray-foam carpet cleaner. get.the.fuck.out!

lesson of the weekend: never invite hippies over, unless you plan on housing them ((rudely or not)) for at least 24 hours.

((fucking hippies))

i will open with a bold statement:

coffee shops need printers.

let's continue with an incomplete list of things i may or may not have done:

i furnished my apartment for under $60.
my desk consists of a doctor's office chair and a filing cabinet.
i have read too many books this week, and don't expect this frantic feeling to cease until the end of the semester.
i live in an apartment where i have new and different things to worry about. here is an incomplete list within an already incomplete list of new and different things i worry about in my apartment:
i don't have to worry about trash day.
i do have to worry about pet sweeps.
i steal internet that only works sometimes.
stolen internet is totally worth it.
i don't have a back yard to let the dogs run.
i do have a front patio for eating lo mein on a recliner.
end: incomplete list within an incomplete list
i used my tax refund responsibly... so far.
i discovered a beautiful thing: $6 endless mimosas: sunday funday is now followed by adderol monday.



Meet Achiwa.

READ: An Exceptionally Difficult Class

January 24, 2010 1:38 PM

All:

All registrants should know that ENGL 4800 will be an exceptionally difficult class. We will cover some of the toughest poetry written in English as well as a number of Classical antecedents that demand intense focus and benefit from prior exposure. The pace will be brisk, and the lectures and discussions will be pitched "to the top of the class." If you are carrying an "A" average in ENGL and humanities classes, and if you realize going in that you'll need to work hard from Day One, you should be fine. If you're carrying a "B" average in ENGL and humanities course, you should be prepared to work harder than you've previously worked in an ENGL class--and you should realize that your average may take a beating. If you're carrying a "C" average or lower in ENGL and humanities classes, I suggest strongly that you drop this class, ASAP.

Be smart and be sensible. Thanks for listening.


((uh-oh))

do you have 45 minutes? how have you been? i don't care. back to me.



everything here is pre-nye. good luck. i've only given you 24 years. stop being so selfish.



i started going to hippie parties with my former and elder roommate lx. apparently when you bring someone that is a non-hippie, offensive, drunk, and under 30 years old, your popularity goes up 6 fold.

but these gigs are very hippie. discussing the bourgeoisie of seeds. owning the patent of seeds. copyrighting seeds. and keeping the origins of seeds secret. i didn't really understand it. ask your local hippie if you have 2 hours to spare. no one will talk about it here after the great hippie seed dispute of 2009...




driving home i saw 5 turkeys in my neighbors yard. they started eating some roadkill. then i realized they were actually vultures and that i'm retarded.



i moved out of dx's house. he's the only one i miss of the three. how can you dislike someone with friends this adorable?




i had some disagreements with a guy i was infanatically hopeful about. shortly before i left for xmas, we got into a heated argument over toilet paper and slammed doors. neither of which were present. needless to say, that tie has been cut, contact was made only to retrieve my obnoxiously orange hat. ((also read: no more tj's pizza, art fusion, or rubber gloves at all for that matter... le sigh))




made it back to the north country for the holidays. an awkward mix of pleasant and obnoxious. but far from pleasantly obnoxious. that's how i describe texas. being home is always a weird mix of guilt and inadequacy. though i don't feel it's uncommon, it doesn't make it easy.



i caught roughly ten thousand crappes... kept five. you're welcome, rice, minnesota.




and a big 'ol hug and thanks and love to dadx for being in charge of the baiting and filleting. that's boy work.



and an overdue reunion with the now-sober... sorta cxpx. we traded hats. i don't know.



cxpx picked up some dirty cross-dressing habits down in south padre.



the xmas loot was bountiful and also involved the awarding of the 2o09 pumpkin carving contest victor! this prestigious award is passed from the incumbent to the victor in as willing or unvoluntary manner as seen fit...









i revived my gayness for delis. maple chicken with pepperjack cheese on whole wheat jewish seeded rye... le sigh...



i'm about as gay for those deli sandwiches as i was for that spec of rainbow left of the sun.



started liking-but-far-from-seeing best friend's old roommate s-ox.... okay so we drunk-cuddled on like 4 different couches... a more awkward situation than the early homeboy phase. okay, i should bail now. i get it.
UPDATE:: he's 36 and lives with his dad. BAIL!




and this is me now. strung-out, long-haired, and fat-faced. it's all rosy skies and blue tomorrows from here.



what?