so, uhh... john cheated on me with laura derousselle. what the fuck, right? yeah. no more hiding peoples' names on this one. guilty guilty. and the fucked up part, it wasn't just a one time drunken whatthefuckever. oh no ma'am. he felt a hint of doubt and instead of fixing shit, went running to the hills, or the next closest set of pants... in december!

wow. i still get nauseaus thinking of this and i found this out almost five days ago.

so all this happened and now i have anxiety attacks like 2-3 times a day. ends in crying and puking. super great.

and i don't want to hear any of this, "i guess you two just weren't meant to be," or, "at least you found out now rather than once you got married." nope. don't want to hear it.

why?

because i'm in crazy psycho denial apparently and i still love him. maybe something catastrophic has to happen before i'll finally get the hint that "hey, he fucked someone else.... TWICE, obviously being engaged to this guy isn't the best investment of your time"

i don't know. right now i just feel really lost and constantly alone. and in fucking texas. what the fuck. i moved to fucking texas. and for what? to get cheated on. and it's not like it's all his fault. of course not. it couldn't be. she knows me. she knows that i'm engaged to him. yet... she... fucks him. yep. fucks him... TWICE.

what the fuck. and i went to the doctor to get some pills to deal with this anxiety bullshit. and i can't even get them for another 72 hours. some bullshit where my insurance company needs confirmation from the doctor that it is for medical purposes. come on now. seriously. it's two mother fucking phone calls. i know calls to insurance companies are long and painful... but seriously... so is getting cheated on.

in other news, i hate everything.